Mr Redknapp celebrated when he was cleared of the charges at Southwark Crown Court yesterday.

However, hours later the Spurs manager was cruelly linked with the England job after Fabio Capello stood down.

“Every silver lining has a cloud,” a spokesman said. “Obviously Harry is devastated.”

“We’re pleading with the judge to reconsider the verdict,” he added. “Making Harry England manager would be cruel and unusual punishment.”

Two Dutch television presenters yesterday escaped prosecution for cooking and eating their own flesh.

“This could give the green light for Irish television presenters to start eating themselves,” a media expert said. “It’s a ray of hope.”

“Our analysis shows they should eat their tongues first and move on to their brains,” the expert added. “Their brains should be light and fluffy, a bit like a mousse but rather bland.”

“It’s a huge relief,” a rural dweller said. “We were that afraid of the cost we were constipated. Herself hasn’t gone in weeks.”

“He loves the smell of shite in the morning,” a spokesman explained. “You’d often find him sniffing around your septic tank anyway.”

The spokesman added that there was no longer a need to register septic tanks for inspection. “Sure the Minister knows where they are,” he said.

“The VHI should not be allowed to do this,” a member of the Cabinet said. “It is a form of bullying.”

“Politicians, developers in Nama and a few bankers are the only people who can afford health insurance,” the Minister said. “It is not fair to single us out for excessive charges.”

He insisted it was little comfort to him that he would be able to claim his health insurance on expenses. “There is a principle involved,” he said hilariously.

The offer comes after the newspaper misrepresented a story from a Polish newspaper about Magda*, an unemployed Polish woman living in Donegal.

“They got the story completely wrong when they translated it,” the head of the language school said.

“So it occurred to us that we might be able to get their stories right by translating them,” he added reasonably.

*not her real name

The move follows the hacking of the Irish Aid website.

“We’ve been told we can’t use ‘password’ or ‘mammy’ as passwords any more,” a Department of Finance official said.

“I’m using ‘DepartmentofFinance’ as my password now,” he added, “but I don’t see how I’ll ever remember it.”

“Such a move would delay a second bailout until after Euro 2012 when there are camper vans to be hired, hotels and flights to be booked,” a Government source said.

“These people should surrender their green jerseys. They obviously have a testosterone deficiency,” he added. “Ole, ole, ole, ole, Ireland, Ireland.”

Coincidentally, scientists have found that too much testosterone causes bad decisions.

The Human Body Exhibition makes it’s world debut at the Ambassador Theatre on Thursday.

It features more than 200 full and partial real human body specimens.

“It should bring home the human cost of the bailout, Anglo and the Eurozone crisis,” an expert in this type of thing said.

The redundancy terms have yet to be decided but it is thought that they will be similar to those offered to HSE staff who, according to The Sunday Business Post, no longer worked for the HSE.

“Obviously this would reduce waiting lists, but a cash injection could also actually make patients feel better,” an analyst said.

“What about me piles?” a patient asked.

Speaking in Davos at the World Economic Forum, Mr Kenny revealed that behind his carefully constructed image as a bit of a gobshite he is actually a bit of a gobshite.

The revelation was devastating for the people of Ireland who have witnessed him being a bit of a gobshite for over 30 years.

“We would never have voted for that Enda Kenny fella  if we’d known he was that Enda Kenny fella,” everyone said.