Two Dutch television presenters yesterday escaped prosecution for cooking and eating their own flesh.

“This could give the green light for Irish television presenters to start eating themselves,” a media expert said. “It’s a ray of hope.”

“Our analysis shows they should eat their tongues first and move on to their brains,” the expert added. “Their brains should be light and fluffy, a bit like a mousse but rather bland.”

People ran out of their soon-to-be-repossessed houses and danced on the bonnets of their uninsured cars.

“I’m so glad RTÉ’s wealthy elite will be able to continue interviewing each other,” a man on his way to the airport to emigrate said.

“It will be an honour and a privilege to pay the inflated salaries of people whose programmes I can’t abide,” a woman who can’t afford to emigrate said.

Mr Rabbitte said he was considering replacing the television licence with a household broadcasting charge.

The Ex-Prime Ministers would be modelled on the Three Tenors.

Former Taoiseach Cowen is a renowned ballad singer while Berlusconi has recorded several albums of love songs. “If  Papandreou can’t sing he can dance,” a source said.

The source added that Louis Walsh was “wide-eyed” with excitement about the project. “It could help him to deal with the crushing disappointment of being Louis Walsh,” he said.

Most Irish children have decided to dress as a young Bertie Ahern (pictured) while trick or treating this Halloween in the hope of getting lots of cash instead of sweets.

“Bono goes on quite a bit, God can’t get a word in,” a phone hacker said.

“He talks to God about himself and about creation and how much better it would be if Bono had created it,” he added.

A psychologist contacted by The Mire believes the conversations with Bono are not good for God.

“It is very significant that God phones Dr Phil to talk about self-esteem issues as soon as his call with Bono ends,” the psychologist said.

Legal analysts in the UK have said Premiership footballers, pop stars and media figures who are faithful to their partners have been to the fore in seeking superinjunctions.

“They fear their reputations would be in tatters if it is revealed they are not having affairs with anyone,” a source said.

“Obviously, they are ashamed of not having affairs but they want to keep their shame private,” the source added.

“That is completely outrageous,” a source sniffed, “Charlie is more than capable of satisfying them himself.”

Earlier, some commentators had suggested that Sheen had asked former sexpert Woods, who once shared Sheen’s enthusiasm for pornstars, to come out of retirement and help work through the backlog.