“The VHI should not be allowed to do this,” a member of the Cabinet said. “It is a form of bullying.”

“Politicians, developers in Nama and a few bankers are the only people who can afford health insurance,” the Minister said. “It is not fair to single us out for excessive charges.”

He insisted it was little comfort to him that he would be able to claim his health insurance on expenses. “There is a principle involved,” he said hilariously.

The redundancy terms have yet to be decided but it is thought that they will be similar to those offered to HSE staff who, according to The Sunday Business Post, no longer worked for the HSE.

“Obviously this would reduce waiting lists, but a cash injection could also actually make patients feel better,” an analyst said.

“What about me piles?” a patient asked.

“We do not believe that legislation is the answer,” a government source said.

The source revealed that the Cabinet was keen on the “nuclear option” of HSE care. “There’s no coming back from that,” he said.

Other alternatives include bringing the internet into NAMA or treating it with disdain until it emigrates.

“They are all good options,” the source said.

“We were going to hack away at the bloated bureaucracy,” a spokesman said. “But NASA revealed that it is the only man-made structure in Ireland that is visible from space.”

“Fortunately we were able to introduce €750 million in cuts to frontline services instead,” he added.

“This is a proud moment,” the Minister for Health said. “Our bureaucracy is a beacon of light leading the country out of the gloom.”

“There is a genuine risk that such a move would render the Government inexplicable to the common people,” an expert warned.

“People need alcohol in order to understand what the government, the EU and the IMF are actually doing,” he explained.

“How can we understand the way they’re running the country unless we’re as pissed as they obviously are? a drunk asked reasonably.

A HSE spokesman said management was too busy to pay attention to the government.

“They can’t just stop playing solitaire every time a Minister makes a statement,” the spokesman said.

“Shh,” he added. “You’ll wake them.”

“We’re looking at charging for medical cards, prescriptions, hospital visitors, living, dying… anything and everything really,” a spokesman said.

“It’s going to be great,” he added.

“The old name was very misleading,” an analyst said. “They never gave a toss about health.”

Mr Heaney received the Bob Hughes Lifetime Achievement Award at the Bord Gáis Irish Book Awards last night.

“This has to stop,” a Health and Safety official said.

“The poor man can’t move for tripping over lifetime achievement awards. They are a serious health and safety issue,” he added.

The bouncers will not, however, prevent people from entering the A&E departments.

“They will walk around shouting: ‘Time now please. Have yiz no homes to go to?’” a HSE source said.

“We believe that the majority of patients in A&Es will leave immediately if they think they are in a closed pub,” the source explained reasonably.

The move, which some may consider controversial, is part of an attempt to tackle a possible €300 million deficit.

“Athough ill, a lot of patients are crying out for some activity and who doesn’t like to play doctors and nurses,” a HSE spokesman winked.

Health sector unions are studying the proposals. “It is my job to ensure that our members receive a decent split from the HSE,” a source said.