“We do not believe that legislation is the answer,” a government source said.

The source revealed that the Cabinet was keen on the “nuclear option” of HSE care. “There’s no coming back from that,” he said.

Other alternatives include bringing the internet into NAMA or treating it with disdain until it emigrates.

“They are all good options,” the source said.

It is understood that temperatures have moderated since the two parties came to power.

“A thick layer of  smug has enveloped Ireland,” a scientist explained.

Apparently the smug, which emanates from Government Ministers Brian Hayes, Leo Varadkar, Pat Rabbitte, Eamon Gilmore and Ruairi Quinn, prevents the sun from causing global warning.

“But the sun doesn’t cause global warming,” another scientist argued. “All the smug does is make Ireland a shit place to live.”

“There is a genuine risk that such a move would render the Government inexplicable to the common people,” an expert warned.

“People need alcohol in order to understand what the government, the EU and the IMF are actually doing,” he explained.

“How can we understand the way they’re running the country unless we’re as pissed as they obviously are? a drunk asked reasonably.

“People who are exposed even to second or third hand Bertie Ahern  develop high blood pressure and are at risk of cardiac arrest,” a HSE spokesman said.

“There is no known cure but banging your head repeatedly against a wall offers some relief.”

“Until we have a vaccine people should take evasive action,” the spokesman said. “Avoid all media and don’t open any kitchen cabinets.”

“They are anxious, bewildered and angry,” an RTÉ source said.

“The idea that a President could earn between a third and half of what they are paid is an affront to their self-esteem.

RTÉ has said it will not be possible to increase presenters’ salaries.

“However, we may provide red carpets and get the RTÉ symphony orchestra to perform whenever a presenter enters a room,” a spokesman said.

“It’s an area that needs to be looked at,” a source said. “The likes of Fianna Fáil have no protection from Fianna Fáil.”

“There was nothing anyone could do,” a witness to six-hour-long meeting said.

“It’s a crime that it’s not a crime.”

The United Nations declared September 15th International Day of Democracy to encourage the promotion and consolidation of democracy.

“The need to promote and protect democracy is as urgent now as ever,” said Ceann Comhairle Seán Barrett, as he struggled to stop laughing.

“We should celebrate the fact that we have always retained the freedom to elect our own parliament,” said Mr Barrett, while TDs urinated on each other.

“It’s a sorry state of affairs. There hasn’t been a single think thunk,” an expert said.

“The Thinkometer is flat-lining,” he added. “It’s no wonder the country’s fucked.”

The expert then got involved in a dispute with a Fianna Fáil think-in attendee who said the Thinkometer flat-lined at Fine Gael and Labour think-ins too.

“Sadly that’s true,” the expert admitted. “It doesn’t seem to work around politicians.”

Tests showed that people who watched a few minutes of the show were less able to problem solve or pay attention.

“SpongeBob is not solely to blame. Most TDs were badly behaved and unable to concentrating when they got here,” a Houses of the Oireachtas spokesman said.

“At the end of the day we have to keep them quiet and we’re not allowed sedate them. Switching off SpongeBob would be a disaster,” he added.

“Why does Anto get all the good gigs?” he asked bitterly, as he hung up bunting in Croke Park in readiness for his birthday party next week.

Mr Ahern said it was a pity Croke Park couldn’t hold all the well-wishers who would like to attend his birthday party.

“There’s probably nowhere in the world big enough,” he said. “Croker would need to be 10,000 per cent bigger.”

To mark his birthday Mr Ahern announced a special treat for his devoted Irish public: “I will stand as godfather to their children for a percentage of the christening gifts,” he said.