Mr Redknapp celebrated when he was cleared of the charges at Southwark Crown Court yesterday.

However, hours later the Spurs manager was cruelly linked with the England job after Fabio Capello stood down.

“Every silver lining has a cloud,” a spokesman said. “Obviously Harry is devastated.”

“We’re pleading with the judge to reconsider the verdict,” he added. “Making Harry England manager would be cruel and unusual punishment.”

The psychic claims the national broadcaster will discover the triple world champion boxer and international soccer player in the run-up to the London Olympics.

“They will share their discovery enthusiastically,” the psychic said. “As though the rest of us weren’t already aware of her.”

“Girls fighting tee-hee,” a spokesman for RTÉ Sport said.

In all 10 people from St Mary’s Rasharkin were given sanctions ranging from four-week suspensions to expulsions.

“This is a dark day for the GAA,” a football commentator said. “Without the assault on the referee the game isn’t much of a spectacle.”

“The GAA has fallen into the wrong hands,” he added. “This is political correctness gone mad.”

“I was waiting for the phone to ring, then I saw him on the tv playing golf. What’s that about?” a porn star demanded.

“This is cruel and misleading,” she added. “And it ain’t no way to treat a lady.”

Tiger Woods was probably not available for comment.

“The right to grunt is being undermined as female tennis players are attacked for grunting at Wimbledon,” a spokeswoman for Grunting is Good said.

The spokeswoman called on women to grunt at every opportunity today to draw attention to the plight of professional tennis players.

“Men are also welcome to grunt in solidarity,” the spokeswoman said. “But only when they exert themselves. Normal male grunting for no apparent reason would be no addition.”

“This is a landmark case. It could allow sports starts to retain their endorsements while shagging indiscriminately,” an analyst said.

Lawyers stated that the otherwise clean-living Mr Giggs had been led astray by “a penis of dubious moral character”.

“It has taken him places he never wanted to see,” a spokesman said. “There is nowhere it won’t go, nothing it won’t do.”

“It has no conscience,” the spokesman added.

Analysts fear the news, if true, could be the beginning of the end of the ancient tradition of assaulting referees.

“It is too early for alarm,” a source close to the GAA said. “Obviously we are taking the reports extremely seriously but there could be an innocent explanation.”

“There could be a referee locked in the boot of a car somewhere,” he explained, “or  trying to find his way home having been dumped naked in an out of the way place.”

While there is general endorsement for the proposal, opposing factions have very different views as to how the statement should be sworn. “Some of the younger, more progressive members favour the modern ‘pinkie swear’ but the conservative majority refuse to entertain it,” a source said.

“They prefer the traditional ‘Cross my heart and hope to die, cut my throat if I tell a lie’ approach,” the source added.

“It hardly matters which method is used once the person swearing the statement remembers to keep his fingers crossed behind his back,” an expert in lying under oath said.

The International Council for the Blind (ICB) has accused Sepp Blatter of using blind people as referees and linesmen at the world cup in South Africa for his own entertainment.

“This is a cruel and vindictive abuse of human rights,” an ICB spokesman said.  “These people are being humiliated in front of a global audience.”

Blatter, who previously subjected the Irish to international ridicule, was unrepentant. “We can talk about this,” he said. “Perhaps I could give the referees guide dogs or white sticks. Would that help?”

In a move that may further anger IRFU officials, the Minister apparently plans sweeping changes to the game of rugby.

“He loves rugby,” a source said. “He just thinks it could be so much better and more popular if you could dribble or head the ball. And why have a set of goals but no goalkeeper? It could be such a beautiful game.”

In other news, it is also believed that the Energetic Minister plans to get Ryanair to raise their prices and introduce free meals and premium seats for passengers. “What can we say,” said the source, “the Minister is very energetic.”