The Mire » Uncategorized

Hogan willing to personally inspect septic tanks for free

Donal Conaty — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 09:32:27 +0000

Rural households won’t face septic tank inspection charges after Environment Minister Phil Hogan indicated he would carry out the work himself for free.

“It’s a huge relief,” a rural dweller said. “We were that afraid of the cost we were constipated. Herself hasn’t gone in weeks.”

“He loves the smell of shite in the morning,” a spokesman explained. “You’d often find him sniffing around your septic tank anyway.”

The spokesman added that there was no longer a need to register septic tanks for inspection. “Sure the Minister knows where they are,” he said.

All Indo stories could be translated to see what they are about

Donal Conaty — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 09:44:13 +0000

A language school is offering to translate all Irish Independent articles into Polish to see what they are about.

The offer comes after the newspaper misrepresented a story from a Polish newspaper about Magda*, an unemployed Polish woman living in Donegal.

“They got the story completely wrong when they translated it,” the head of the language school said.

“So it occurred to us that we might be able to get their stories right by translating them,” he added reasonably.

*not her real name

Govt officials told not to use ‘password’ as password

Donal Conaty — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 10:03:55 +0000

There has been widespread confusion across all government departments this morning after officials were instructed to change their passwords.

The move follows the hacking of the Irish Aid website.

“We’ve been told we can’t use ‘password’ or ‘mammy’ as passwords any more,” a Department of Finance official said.

“I’m using ‘DepartmentofFinance’ as my password now,” he added, “but I don’t see how I’ll ever remember it.”

Hilarity greets govt response to Anonymous attacks

Donal Conaty — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 10:33:28 +0000

The Government’s response to DDOS attacks on government websites could prompt a surge in the Irish happiness index.

The Department of Justice claimed there would be a “whole of Government” response to the threat posed by Anonymous.

The statement prompted widespread hilarity and good humour across the country.

“Jaysus, Anonymous must be shitting themselves,” a woman in her pyjamas at a bus stop said.

The DDOS attacks were in response to planned new copyright legislation in Ireland.

Failte Ireland proud to host wonders of the world

Donal Conaty — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 10:10:20 +0000

Failte Ireland has revealed to The Mire that many of the wonders of the world can now be visited in Ireland.*

This follows the appearance of the Northern Lights in the skies over Donegal in recent days.

“We’re proud to inform potential visitors that the Pyramids, the Taj Mahal and the Great Wall of China are all here now,” a spokesman said.

The spokesman asked visitors to the attractions to be patient as parking facilities were still being developed.

* The attractions may not be visible in poor weather conditions.**

** Poor weather conditions are guaranteed.

The Mire’s review of the year

Donal Conaty — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 14:35:17 +0000

A panel of experts assembled by The Mire has spent the last few weeks reviewing the year 2011.

“We reached the unanimous conclusion that it was shit,” a spokesman said.

Happy New Year from The Mire!

Merry Christmas

Donal Conaty — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 19:16:21 +0000

Thanks for reading The Mire in 2011. Hope you have a good Christmas and New Year.

A book trailer with a hint of Deliverance

Donal Conaty — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 10:20:09 +0000

Gardaí seek information on 1000-year-old killing

Donal Conaty — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 09:57:08 +0000

Gardaí have appealed for witnesses to come forward after the body of a young man killed 1000 years ago was discovered in Galway.

An iron arrowhead was found in the victim’s skull after his body was discovered by a farmer.

“Somebody somewhere knows something,” a Garda spokesman said.

“It is vital that they come forward and help with the investigation.”

Confusion over confusion about referendums/referenda

Donal Conaty — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 08:55:07 +0000

The People In Charge are at a loss to explain why some of the electorate were confused by the two questions put to them in yesterday’s referendums/referenda.

“They were ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ questions. It couldn’t have been easier,” a spokesman said.

The spokesman promised that future referendums/referenda would be simpler.

“We will include a ‘Maybe’ option for the confused. That’s bound to work, isn’t it?” he said.