“There are clear signs that a core group have no intention of stopping talking about abortion,” a garda riot squad source said.

“But the law is the law. The festival only has a  three day licence. If they don’t cease and desist we will have to go in.”

The source said paramedics would also be available to help those who overindulged in abortion discussions at the festival.

“Some of them are quite overcome. They will need medical attention,” he said.

Mr Wallace said he would complain to the Commission about Justice Minister Alan Shatter misusing confidential garda information.

This immediately prompted laughter all over the island of Ireland with many people laughing so much they needed medical attention.

“The baby in my womb was laughing so hard I thought I’d gone into labour,” a young mother-to-be said. “Where does he get these crazy ideas?”

For three days all eyes will be on Ireland’s abortion interpretive dances and carefully choreographed displays of abortion hysteria.

“It’s what The Gathering is all about, it’s what Ireland is all about. Come dance with us in Ireland,” a Fáilte Ireland spokesman said.

Uniquely, the festival does not feature a chill out area although many think it should.

Festival goers are advised to wear wellies in case the floodgates open.

Mr Shatter told Independent TD Mick Wallace on Prime Time last night that he knew he had been verbally warned by gardaí last May for using a mobile phone while driving.

Later Mr Shatter revealed that a single mother in Blanchardstown had been putting dirty nappies in her neighbour’s wheelie bin.

He then told a Lucan man to stop seeing his neighbour’s wife.

“The all seeing eye of Alan is watching you,” a garda said. “Be afraid be very afraid.”

Mr Howlin told TheJournal.ie that Government ministers would not be singled out for pay cuts.

This follows a Mire story on February 26th that said Howlin pledged no further cuts to ministers’ pay.

The Mire is available to draft policy for the Government for a reasonable fee.

Later, opposition chief whip Warren Entsch revealed there had been some confusion: “she didn’t say she [sic] child was sick, she said her child was unwell”.

The Mire would like to suggest that these situations could be avoided in future if MPs laid their children at the feet of Mr Entsch. He could then decide whether they were sick or unwell.

This follows a breakthrough in the United States where human embryo clones were produced.

“This is so awesome,” Transport Minister Leo Varadkar said. “I’ll finally have someone on my level to talk to.”

While all ministers want to be cloned there is a reluctance among them to go first.

“We’re a bit wary in case anything goes wrong,” a Cabinet source said. “So we’re starting with James Reilly.”

“No matter what went wrong with cloning him it couldn’t be worse than the original.”

The GAA demonstrated its Hawk-eye points detection system in Croke Park today and it had been hoped that a similar system could show when TDs enter the Dáil chamber.

This, experts believe, might actually encourage some TDs to enter the chamber. However, a TD has poured scorn on the idea.

“That would just be an expensive gimmick and a waste of money,” he said.

“At best it would prove I was in the Dáil chamber, it wouldn’t keep me awake.”

Many were stranded at bus stops around the country waiting for buses that had already left.

“Why do I believe the timetable?” a Longford man banging his head off a bus stop said. “There won’t be another one for hours.”

“There’s no doubt buses cause absenteeism,” an employment expert said. “At least when they’re on strike commuters make other arrangements.”

Inspired by Canadian astronaut Commander Chris Hadfield’s version of Space Oddity, Mr Varadkar chose to record The Fatima Mansions’ Only Losers Take The Bus.

It is understood the video for the song shows Mr Varadkar singing on a Bus Eireann bus while trying to make his guitar float in zero gravity.

“He was peeved when his guitar wouldn’t float,” an aide said. “It was his first time on a bus and he didn’t realise they don’t have zero gravity.”