“There will be no second referendum. It will be on June 22nd,” a government spokesman said.

“If the second referendum that won’t happen results in a No vote a third referendum that won’t happen will be held on August 1st,” the spokesman added.

Meanwhile, Garda sources say no one was injured when a government spokesman’s head exploded outside Leinster House.

Minister of State for Health Róisín Shortall has pledged to phase out the sponsorship.

“Drunks are trying to play football, hurling and rugby when they can hardly walk,” a spokesman said.

“We are seeing more cruciate ligament injuries than is normal,” a doctor said. “Many drunks have to retire prematurely due to injury.”

The move came as a surprise to analysts who hadn’t previously considered Ireland to be a Middle Eastern country.

“It’s no big deal,” an Israeli spokesman said.

“We already use the same passports.”

Taxi drivers in Dublin have been ordered to stop using the green lights by a taxi watchdog.

“People could refuse to use a taxi if they know the driver is Irish,” a source explained.

“Particularly at this time of year when their journey is likely to be ruined by conversations about Katie Taylor, Euro 2012 and Louis Walsh,” he added.

It is not clear whether the payment would be on a one-off or regular basis.

Emigration, particularly to sunnier climes, has played havoc with the Government’s You Retire We Rehire policy.

“How are we supposed to run things if the people we’re getting rid of don’t come back?” a Government source asked. “They are making a mockery of the mockery we are making.”

This follows the announcement that the IDA and Enterprise Ireland will create more jobs than there are people by 2015.

“Our wombs are already operating at capacity what with the recession and there being nothing  good on the tele,” a woman said.

“What about the fathers? Why doesn’t anyone care about the fathers?” Irish Times columnist John Waters asked.

*first published Sept 2010

The stark assessment came as desperate Spaniards pleaded not to be helped.

“Don’t help us, don’t support us, don’t bail us out,” they begged  the EU, ECB and IMF.

However, their pleas fell on deaf ears as the Troika cruelly insisted on finishing them off in a spirit of solidarity.

They take cheese on their burgers, even in their sandwiches, it’s disgusting,” a dietician said.

Cheese binging is part of a growing trend in society to be fat and wear a tracksuit.

“They’re mocking fitness and giving tracksuits a bad name,” a triathlete said.

“We need to ban cheese and the causes of cheese,” the dietician said.

Millions of flies have swarmed around Tralee in the past few days.

“It seems clear that they must be Phil Hogan’s personal collection,” a resident said. “Who else has millions of flies?”

The Minister, who has an abiding love of septic tanks and all related matters, was not available for comment.

Rental agencies are no longer willing to rent properties to Irish people in Perth as they get destroyed during parties.

“We may have to deport thousands of young Irish,” a police spokesman warned.

“Alternatively, we would ask Mr Ó Cuív to attend the parties so that everyone else leaves,” he added.