A new report from a high profile government think tank suggests that the many problems facing Mireland have got nothing to do with economic matters and are, in fact, entirely caused by inappropriate alcoholism.
According to the top secret report, which The Mire has seen, Mireland is completely beset by alcoholics who don’t know how to drink properly. “High sugar and high caffeine alcoholic drinks combined with a range of recreational and prescription pharmaceuticals have caused mass hallucinations and mass delusions among the Mirish population,” the report states.
“Unfortunately the so called Celtic Tiger was one such hallucination and the notion that the Mirish people might somehow have been responsible for creating it was one such delusion,” it continued.
The report’s key recommendation was that Mireland needed to return to the traditional beer fuelled alcoholism of the 1980s and ’90s. “This was a much more level headed approach to getting drunk,” the report concluded, “although the popular delusion of the period – that Mireland could win the World Cup – could perhaps be seen as a sign of things to come.”
