“Bono goes on quite a bit, God can’t get a word in,” a phone hacker said.

“He talks to God about himself and about creation and how much better it would be if Bono had created it,” he added.

A psychologist contacted by The Mire believes the conversations with Bono are not good for God.

“It is very significant that God phones Dr Phil to talk about self-esteem issues as soon as his call with Bono ends,” the psychologist said.

“We believe there is an opportunity here to market the country for tourists seeking a Christian holiday,” a source said.

“We have to make the most of the fact that it is easier to walk on water here than anywhere else in Europe,” he added.

The agency is currently considering two possible slogans:

- Ireland, Jesus would have loved it

or

- You too can walk on water

A third potential slogan with a tie in to the world’s biggest band – U2 can walk on water – was reluctantly shelved after it emerged that Bono was too publicity shy.

Leading commentators were ecstatic when they heard that their dream of a new constitution – as expressed by Justine McCarthy and Fintan O’Toole on RTE’s Aftershock programme – was shared by the government.

Their jubilation was short-lived, however, when it emerged that Taoiseach Brian Cowen had someone in mind to write the new constitution.

“The Taoiseach has already spoken to Phil Coulter,” a source said. “He asked for something like Ireland’s Call but without the protestant influence.”

Broken members of the commentariat wandered the corridors of RTE when they heard the dreadful news. “What about Bono? Has he not heard of Bono? one of them asked.

Energy Minister Eamon Ryan has revealed a new technology that will tap into celebrities’ egos to fuel the national grid. “Ego fuel is an eco fuel,” he said. “This is completely carbon neutral. The only waste product is hot air.”

“This is a huge untapped resource,” Mr Ryan added. “We could soon be exporting energy around the globe. For example, it is estimated that less than one per cent of Bono’s ego fuel could satisfy China’s energy needs for a decade.”

Minister for Finance Brian Lenihan has agreed to ring-fence the artists’ exemption tax and broaden its terms to include any celebrity who is prepared to donate up to two per cent of their ego energy.

Mr Lenihan was full of praise for the Green Party initiative. “They are little Green geniuses,” he said. “They’re not much craic but we love them anyway.”

Bono, often criticised for grand-standing on international issues while ignoring problems at home, has turned his attention to his devastated homeland and come up with a creative solution.

“This is a unique problem,” Bono said. “The children I am trying to help aren’t used to abject poverty. They were born into luxury and pampered for years but suddenly it is all gone. No one should have to face that.”

Inspired by the behaviour of celebrities such as Angelina Jolie, Meg Ryan and Madonna, Bono asked the three if they would adopt a Mirish child and help publicise the plight of Mirish children.

Aghast at what they heard, the three immediately agreed to help the devastated Celtic Tiger cubs. Families who want their children adopted by celebrities are invited to apply to a lottery system.

Applications will be vetted to ensure they are “new poor” and incapable of dealing with the downturn and not hardy “old poor” veterans of tough times. “Ideally we’re looking for the kids of people who did well in the boom but now don’t know where their next million is coming from,” Bono said.

Bono added that he understood Larry’s frustration but he had to follow his heart. “I love Larry,” he said. “He is just trying to protect U2. I respect that. He knows I couldn’t manage without him. He keeps me real.”