The Ex-Prime Ministers would be modelled on the Three Tenors.

Former Taoiseach Cowen is a renowned ballad singer while Berlusconi has recorded several albums of love songs. “If  Papandreou can’t sing he can dance,” a source said.

The source added that Louis Walsh was “wide-eyed” with excitement about the project. “It could help him to deal with the crushing disappointment of being Louis Walsh,” he said.

The grim master plan would be carried out on the pretext of providing youth camps for the nation’s children.

Former Taoisigh Brian Cowen and Bertie Ahern are lined up to administer the camps dressed as scout masters so as not to appear sinister.

“This is clearly an attempt to put Fianna Fáil back at the heart of the bowel of Irish political life,” an analyst said.

“Tiocfaidh ár lá,” a Fianna Fáil source said confusingly.

Not for the first time Mr Kenny barricaded himself in his room and refused to answer senior Fine Gael colleagues who tried to convince him that today is the day he will become Taoiseach.

Labour leader Eamon Gilmore also implored Mr Kenny to come out of his room to no avail.

Finally, Taoiseach Brian Cowen was able to persuade Mr Kenny to leave his bedroom and form a government. “I can’t believe it either but it’s true. You really will be Taoiseach of the 31st Dáil,” he apparently told him.

For nine out of the last 10 years officials warned Mr Sheen to curb his wilder excesses, a report published today reveals.

“I should have listened to those guys. They are winners,” Mr Sheen might have said.

The report, aimed at discovering whether the Department of Finance is fit for purpose, also found that officials there advised Brian Cowen to sing at Jury’s Cabaret rather than become leader of Fianna Fáil.

“Sadly we’re used to having our advice ignored,” a Finance official said. “Sure only today we advised the Minister for Finance not to publish this report.”

“Nothing could be further from the truth,” a source said. “It’s far too close to the general election to consider replacing Enda Kenny with Brian Cowen no matter how desireable it may be.”

The source also disputed reports that current party leader Enda Kenny has locked himself in his room and won’t come out until the election goes away.

“He didn’t lock the door. He’s just sitting with his back against it,” he insisted.

The position of Taoiseach will rotate between the leaders of Fianna Fail, Fine Gael and Labour.

“Enda Kenny will be Taoiseach during Dail holidays obviously,” a source explained.

“Brian Cowen and Eamon Gilmore will operate on a shift basis with the Labour leader taking the early shift as Mr Cowen is not a morning person,” he added.

The rotating Taoisigh will not be held responsible for any decisions they take.

“This is essential as the decisions they face are so onerous and their capacity to make the right ones is so limited,” an analyst said.

It is understood that Mr Cowen is looking forward to his first sing-song with his new colleagues.

In what may be the ultimate irony Richard Bruton’s leadership challenge to Enda Kenny has forced the party to count its TDs.

“We have a clear majority,” Enda Kenny is thought to have said sheepishly. “I suspected as much but Bruton was in charge of the numbers. That’s why I brought in George Lee.”

The Kenny and Bruton camps refused to comment on the suggestion that Fine Gael had taken the word of then Minister for Finance Brian Cowen that they couldn’t form a government.

“It is immaterial,” a Bruton supporter said. “Richard wouldn’t serve under him anyway.”

It is with a heavy heart that I accuse you of making a mockery of mockery.

You have broken the hearts of a generation of humourists. Cartoonists are sticking pencils in their eyes, sketch writers are taking hammers to their hands. Gentlemen, these are people with families.

If satirists believed in lawyers they would be suing you – there is nothing so offensive to them, to all right-thinking people, as the self-satirising politician.

And you have made your point. Truly, you are sultans of slapstick, fakirs of farce. You are Chaplins. You are chumps.

But have you thought about the consequences? Look at what you have done to our poor Taoiseach. Brian Cowen is crying with laughter and trying to govern at the same time.

It was a challenge for him to appear statesmanlike at the best of times. Now it is simply unseemly.

And you must surely know there is more to comedy than making people cry.

Gentlemen, you have upset the natural order of things. You have made Green Party Cabinet Ministers laugh out loud without a second’s thought for the attendant emissions.

You have made Eamon Gilmore so popular he can no longer be a politician.

For the sake of comedy, for the sake of your country, for the sake of Brian Cowen stop. Stop now.

And please, please, stop talking about governing the country. It is too funny. It hurts too much.

Yours etc

“We have a message for citizens,” a Fine Gael source said. “We have seen how Brian Cowen treats you. It is no wonder Martin Cullen feels violated.”

“Fianna Fail do not respect you and Enda Kenny knows just how that feels. Our pledge is to seduce the people of this country.”

“All you have to do is make Enda Kenny taoiseach and he will whisper sweet nothings in your ear before riding you bareback,” the source added. “Fine Gael will respect you in the morning.”

“This is completely inappropriate,” a man whose business premises is under three feet of water said. “All he has done is jump in puddles, splash pensioners and throw water balloons.”

A spokesman for the Taoiseach said no offence was intended. “Mr Cowen was just trying to lighten the mood,” he said. “And if the truth be told he’s still a bit upset about JEdward being voted off the X Factor.”