It is understood that the situation is creating havoc in the run up to the Budget.

“That’s why we’re flying kites about child benefit and dole cuts,” a source said. “We’re hoping he will nod in agreement to one of them.”

“Haben Sie irgendwelche Kekse?” Mr Noonan said when asked about the issue.

Doctors believe the elaborate wigs worn by Irish dancers cause baldness.

“The Finance Department won’t be the same without the Minister’s jigs and reels,” a senior civil servant lamented.

“We may have to cancel his Budget Day performance of Feet of Flames,” a Leinster House source said.

A source close to the Minister said he would not consider dancing without his curly wig. “It sets off the dress beautifully,” he explained.

He was taken aback when I said they would probably exceed the requirement.

“Why would they do that?” he asked.

“They have a zeal for cuts,” I explained. “Particularly when they cause genuine hardship.”

“They award each other points for each cut,” I continued. “And get higher points for higher suffering.”

“Amazing,” said Ajai. “You know the Irish are the best client the IMF have ever had.”

“This is your best and only hope of surviving this disaster,” a source said ominously.

“If supplies are limited it would be nice to put women and children first but Jackie Healy-Rae and Michael Lowry are unlikely to do so, the source added.

“We know it’s inadequate and a cliche but what can we do?” a headline writer said. “I’ve been googling for three days but can’t find anything darker than black.”

“Our colleagues are openly mocking us,” he added. “I woke up in a sweat this morning after having a nightmare that I’d called it Pitch Black Tuesday,” he added.

The decision was inspired by the refusal of Anglo Irish Bank employees to disclose passwords for documents to investigators.

“Those Anglo boys are fierce clever,” a Department of Finance source said. “If only we had thought of that two years ago no one would know the boom is over.”

The source refused to confirm that the password for the budget would be ‘the budget’.

“We fear that the Government may be thinking the unthinkable,” a union source said. “We would urge them to look instead at the pensions.”

“Holidays are stressful, difficult times. It is only reasonable that our members are given time off to recover from them,” he added.

The practice of receiving holidays for taking holidays is one of several perks awarded to public servants by public servants.

The first option is to eliminate maths from the national curriculum. This would generate considerable savings and is favoured by Education Minister Mary Coughlan  as “no one likes maths anyway and we’re no good at it.”

The second option is to eliminate health care from the health service. This has long been favoured by Health Minister Mary Harney and it is understood her Cabinet colleagues are afraid to say no to her.

The third option, which would generate by far  the most savings, is to make permanent Senator Ivor Callely’s suspension from the Seanad. The Mire understands that there is no real appetite for this option within the Cabinet.

Fas is now preparing a campaign to attract Revolution Tutors from overseas and hopes to role out courses in revolution for the new unemployed early next year.

“People fail to see what great opportunities exist for revolutionaries in this country,” a Fas spokesman said. “A few weeks of flag-waving, a failed rebellion and you are made.”

“These positions carry with them tangible benefits for generations of your family to come. Your unborn grandchildren will be government ministers,” he added.

The spokesman dismissed the suggestion that people here are too docile for revolution even when faced with regular church and state scandals and draconian budgets. “We just need the right type of person to realise that this presents great opportunities for personal enrichment,” he said.

Then the exodus began from the villages, the towns and the cities. Loved ones were left behind. “Daddy was pushing me on the swing and then he was gone,” a four-year-old child said. A baby who was being breastfed suddenly found the breast had left.

People abandoned their homes, their cars, even their iphones as panic seized the population. Shops were left unattended, offices emptied onto the streets.

Gardai and other emergency services were the first to flee leaving no one to manage the chaos that ensued. Neighbours trampled on neighbours, thinking only that if they made higher ground they would be safe.

In the Dublin and Wicklow mountains, on Muckish and Ben Bulben, they huddled together in hope.

But there was no hope. “This budget will screw you all,” Minister for Finance Brian Lenihan said. “There is nowhere to hide.”