“The VHI should not be allowed to do this,” a member of the Cabinet said. “It is a form of bullying.”

“Politicians, developers in Nama and a few bankers are the only people who can afford health insurance,” the Minister said. “It is not fair to single us out for excessive charges.”

He insisted it was little comfort to him that he would be able to claim his health insurance on expenses. “There is a principle involved,” he said hilariously.

In recent weeks Mr Kenny has contradicted statements by Ministers Bruton, Varadkar, Hogan and Noonan. “He’s hoping to introduce a blanket ban so he doesn’t have to keep contradicting them on a case by case basis,” a spokesman said. “He finds it quite tiring.”

Only yesterday Mr Kenny contradicted Finance Minister Michael Noonan when he said there would be no income tax increases in this year’s budget.

“We are seeking advice on superinjunctions,” the spokesman said. “In the meantime you can take it as read that if a Minister says it, it is wrong.”

“Just because it is wrong doesn’t mean it isn’t going to happen,” an analyst said.

Taoiseach Enda Kenny said it was/wasn’t important to make it clear/unclear to the Irish people that the country has stable/unstable, focused/unfocused  government.

“I lead/follow a decisive/indecisive government,” he said.

“We will/won’t introduce a household charge as soon as we can/cannot find our arses with both hands,” he added

All eyes will be on government buildings  as the Cabinet announces that a major review of spending across all government departments will be conducted by the departments themselves.

It is not yet clear whether the departments will need to hire additional staff to carry out the review but analysts are confident that it will ultimately lead to double digit growth in public spending.

“Senior civil servants should be the big winner here,” an analyst said. “We expect them to get a pay hike.”

“Like the famed table of Arthurian legend it has no head. All who sit at the table have equal status,” a senior Cabinet source said.

Further investigation by The Mire has revealed that a small version of the table will be placed in an adjoining room for Social Protection Minister Joan Burton, Minister for Children Frances Fitzgerald and Attorney General Máire Whelan to sit at.

“Their table is smaller but it is essentially the exact same as our table so there can be no question of discrimination here,” the Cabinet source added. “Can there?”

“Everyone gets along now apart from the Greens,” a source said. “It’s as though we’re as one.”

“It’s great craic around the Cabinet table,” the source continued. “Nearly everyone can sing or tell a joke.”

“He’s not Minister for Everything. I’m still here. I’m STILL HERE,” Environment Minister John Gormley said.

The drastic measure, which few survive, is seen as inevitable as all other efforts have failed.

“This is not a step we would take lightly. We are fully aware of the implications of being taken into care by the HSE,” a Cabinet source said.

Supporters of the economy were devasatated. “He was as good an economy as you could ever hope to meet,” one supporter said. “He just fell in with the wrong crowd.”

The first option is to eliminate maths from the national curriculum. This would generate considerable savings and is favoured by Education Minister Mary Coughlan  as “no one likes maths anyway and we’re no good at it.”

The second option is to eliminate health care from the health service. This has long been favoured by Health Minister Mary Harney and it is understood her Cabinet colleagues are afraid to say no to her.

The third option, which would generate by far  the most savings, is to make permanent Senator Ivor Callely’s suspension from the Seanad. The Mire understands that there is no real appetite for this option within the Cabinet.

In a desparate attempt to generate income for the Government, Taoiseach Brian Cowen and his colleagues will adopt “mildly provocative” poses in the Dail chamber and other locations in government buildings.

“The calendar will be tasteful while at the same time seductive,” a Government spokesman said. “Poses will be mildly provocative, not crude or vulgar.”

“To this end, Education Minister Mary Coughlan’s performance will be closely monitored,” he added.

The spokesman said it was not clear how much money the calendar would raise but said it was the best and only hope of income for the Goverment.

The Taoiseach and members of the Cabinet will call to every house in the country in an effort to collect €500 million.

“Our advice is to stockpile food for a few days, keep the curtains closed and hide behind the couch,” a Mabs spokesman said. “These guys have a nose for your money. They’d pluck feathers off a frog.”

If the politicians fail to get enough money on the doorsteps the Government will call up tv licence inspectors – the very mention of whom strikes fear into the hearts of the population.

“They have blackbelts in several languages and can read your mind even if you don’t have one,” a survivor of an encounter with them said. “Emigrate. Change your name. Sell your family. It’s your only hope.”