The Mire » catholic church http://www.themire.net Fri, 10 Feb 2012 09:20:16 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2 New dawn as ordinary people to hear confessions of priests? http://www.themire.net/new-dawn-as-ordinary-people-to-hear-confessions-of-priests/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=new-dawn-as-ordinary-people-to-hear-confessions-of-priests http://www.themire.net/new-dawn-as-ordinary-people-to-hear-confessions-of-priests/#comments Fri, 15 Jul 2011 08:15:44 +0000 Donal Conaty http://www.themire.net/?p=2977 The Catholic Church is considering changing the way the confessional operates so that ordinary people hear the confessions of their priests.

“It is abundantly clear that priests have much more to confess than ordinary people do,” a spokesman said.

“In order to facilitate the large numbers of people hearing these confessions, priests will confess from the altar,” the spokesman added.

Breaking: It has just emerged that the first sentence of this story was written with mental reservation.

It should in fact read: The catholic church is not considering….

]]> http://www.themire.net/new-dawn-as-ordinary-people-to-hear-confessions-of-priests/feed/ 0 Women priests out of the question but are atheist priests the answer? http://www.themire.net/women-priests-out-of-the-question-but-are-atheist-priests-the-answer/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=women-priests-out-of-the-question-but-are-atheist-priests-the-answer http://www.themire.net/women-priests-out-of-the-question-but-are-atheist-priests-the-answer/#comments Fri, 16 Jul 2010 07:28:35 +0000 Donal Conaty http://www.themire.net/?p=1426 The Catholic Church may recruit atheist priests if vocations continue to fall, The Mire has learned.

Although the church yesterday ruled out the ordination of women priests – apparently they multitask when they’re supposed to be saying mass -  it is understood that secret trials of atheist priests have surpassed expectations.

“They’re not hung up on God which seems to make them more rounded individuals,” a source said. “Atheists are welcome in the priesthood if they are willing to pay lip service to the God stuff.”

Vocations have been falling steadily since the church began to frown on the activities of paedophile priests but the source was keen to stress that the priesthood is still an attractive career prospect.

“You get a house, a housekeeper, you get to live parasitically off your community,” he explained. “And you can prey on wealthy isolated elderly people in their own homes. What’s not to like?

]]> http://www.themire.net/women-priests-out-of-the-question-but-are-atheist-priests-the-answer/feed/ 1 New era dawns as banks refer to customers as victims http://www.themire.net/new-era-dawns-as-banks-refer-to-customers-as-victims/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=new-era-dawns-as-banks-refer-to-customers-as-victims http://www.themire.net/new-era-dawns-as-banks-refer-to-customers-as-victims/#comments Tue, 05 Jan 2010 09:02:02 +0000 Donal Conaty http://themire.net/?p=801 The Mire has learned that the interim financial watchdog is to reform the language of banking as an initial step in trying to change the behaviour of banks.

“Most bankers don’t think they did anything wrong,” a spokesman said. “By changing the language of banking we believe bankers will come to accept that what they do is wrong and will ultimately stop doing it.”

“So, from January 11th bank customers will be referred to as ‘victims’ and all transactions will be known as ‘muggings’ or ‘violations’. This is a small step but we believe it is a step in the right direction,” he added.

“It is hoped at a later date to introduce a system whereby bank customers – or victims – will be able to make victim impact statements. If the banks do develop a moral compass there are also plans to change the language of the catholic church and the public sector unions.”

]]> http://www.themire.net/new-era-dawns-as-banks-refer-to-customers-as-victims/feed/ 2 Bishops say report quite positive when read with mental reservation http://www.themire.net/bishops-say-report-quite-positive-when-read-correctly/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=bishops-say-report-quite-positive-when-read-correctly http://www.themire.net/bishops-say-report-quite-positive-when-read-correctly/#comments Tue, 01 Dec 2009 08:08:45 +0000 Donal Conaty http://themire.net/?p=649 Some of the country’s most appalling bishops have written to The Mire in support of Bishop of Killaloe Willie Walsh’s assertion that there had been a “gross misreading” of the Dublin diocesan report leading to calls for the resignation of Bishop of Limerick Donal Murray.

Bishop Murray has been under pressure to resign for his mishandling of complaints of child sexual abuse by priests during the period up to 1996 during which time he was an auxiliary bishop in the Dublin archdiocese.

However, the bishops have suggested alternative ways to read the report which, they argue, would make its contents far less disturbing and, incredibly, could even show the catholic church in a positive light.

“We would like to humbly suggest that interested parties use one of the following tactics when reading the Dublin diocesan report,” the bishops said.

“The tactics are:

- read the report with eyes closed

- read the report backwards

- read either consonants or vowels but not both

- read the report aloud but read parts that make you feel uncomfortable in silence.

“These reading aids are part of our mental reservation philosophy and we feel sure that anyone who uses them will realise that the report is in fact quite positive about us,” the bishops concluded.

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