The living monument will seek to keep alive the spirit of the Celtic Tiger for future generations. “In keeping with the characteristics of the Celtic Tiger it will be known as a casino,” a spokesman said.

“However,” the spokesman conceded, “it will always be known locally as Taj Michael after Michael Lowry whose vision it was to create this future wonder of the world.”

The casino will apparently be staffed by young people on national service. “They will get some remuneration by way of casino chips so they too can live the Celtic Tiger dream,” the spokesman added.

“Forget the harp, forget the shamrock. This is the Ireland of cloud computing, royal visits and sky gardens not broken families and distressed carers,” a spokesman said.

“We need to be on message and the message is that Ireland of the welcomes is still a place where Sepp Blatter would feel at home,” the spokesman added.

“Diarmuid’s sky garden is just the beginning. We can build a Celtic Tiger in the sky. Is feidir linn.”

“There is a strong feeling that Ivor has let the side, and the country down,” a Fianna Fáil source said. “I mean €80 thousand! What will the rest of the world think if they see us arguing over peanuts?”

The almost mythical Wrath of the Three Seans will see Callely subjected to all the fury that has followed the collapse of the Celtic Tiger.

“First he will be strapped naked to the Cliffs of Moher while Seanie Fitzpatrick feeds on his internal organs,” a knowledgeable source said.

“He will then be crucified by Sean Dunne before being hung drawn and quartered by Sean Quinn. It is a dreadful punishment but no less than he deserves,” he added.

Then there was the shocking news that the Celtic Tiger was caused by inappropriate alcoholism.

There was good news when the HSE announced that Ryanair would take over the running of the health service. Sadly, the deal fell through as the airline didn’t like dealing with “bloody invalids”.

NAMA was delightful for the usual suspects until they found that Pat Kenny had already squatted all the good properties.

Taoiseach Brian Cowen feared a very Mirish coup until he decided to bank on a tree stump to save the economy.

A suggestion from French President Nicolas Sarkozy that getting Enda Kenny to say no to Lisbon would guarantee the referendum’s success won cross-party support.

A report by food safety experts found food and packaging was completely interchangeable although the packaging tended to be more appetising.

In September the HSE said children with swine flu should be kept in sheds. It also launched WellBeing perfume to replace traditional health care. Sadly we were allergic to WellBeing.

Former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern announced he would step down from politics to focus on Mehole, his anti-social networking site.

The Dublin bikes scheme turned out to be flawed as obese cyclists abandoned the bikes when they came to a hill. Obesity was in the news again when it was linked to appalling injuries during sex.

Sources in Taoiseach Brian Cowen’s head announced that he was not drinking nearly enough. Meanwhile, the voices in Enda Kenny’s head escaped. Finally, Brian Cowen and British Prime Minister Gordon Brown sang a duet of Man in the Mirror to the voices in Mr Brown’s head.

It was a rollercoaster year for the Greens. There was euphoria when Trevor Sargent launched waterproof Jesus sandals so organic farmers could walk on water without getting wet feet. Dismay followed when it emerged our Carbon Arseprint was entirely responsible for global warming. And there was defiance when the entire Green Party leadership was arrested for urinating in their neighbours’ compost bins.

Few were surprised when performance evaluation monitors found that 37 per cent of public servants were “probably dead”. And no one was surprised that a third of new roads go nowhere while others are completely lost.

In perhaps the most sinister development of the recession the very existence of the lesser spotted rural drinker was threatened until UNESCO intervened.

Stephen Ireland refused the FAI’s reasonable request that he change his name. A churlish John Delaney turned down the opportunity to be Sepp Blatter’s official gimp and strongly denied trying to burn down the Guinness brewery because it is French-owned.

Green TD Paul Gogarty crossed a line when he used the word “sincerity” in Dail Eireann.

The wider community said it lived in fear of bored, bitter ex-bishops while the bishops said the Murphy report was quite innocuous when read with mental reservation.

Finally, sexperts everywhere fear that quitting golf could destroy Tiger’s “game”.

It was a pig’s mickey of a year, a twisted, crooked thing. The Mire looks forward to more of the same in 2010.

According to research carried out by officials in Mr Dempsey’s department some local authorities are unable to account for more than half of their roads.

“Those were heady days,” a source said. “We were building roads for fun. God knows where they ended up. Sure a bypass intended for Waterford turned up in the Tanaiste’s constituency in Donegal.”

Mr Dempsey said the figures were unacceptable. “What will we do when the EU finds out?” he asked. He called on anyone with information on the whereabouts of missing roads to contact the National Roads Authority (NRA).

An opposition spokesman said it was fitting that many roads led nowhere as “the Government doesn’t know where it is going either”.

After his uncomfortable experience on last Friday’s Late Late Show, Mr Cowen spent the night discussing the referendum with French President Nicolas Sarkozy. “Despite Ryan Tubridy’s extremely personal questioning of the Taoiseach on the Late Late neither man had any problem drinking,” a spokesman said.

Mr Sarkozy flew in to Mireland earlier on Friday evening to support the Taoiseach on the Late Late Show. He had intended to appear on the show with Mr Cowen but suffered a crippling attack of the debilitating shyness for which he is famous while waiting in the green room.

Happily, Mr Sarkozy recovered and was able to engage with the Taoiseach on the vexing issue of Lisbon. After several hours of discussion the two hit on what is now seen as the only hope of passing the referendum.

Mr Sarkozy immediately began to use his influence, calling key European leaders and asking them to support the plan. All but Britain’s Prime Minister Gordon Brown indicated broad support for the plan. Mr Brown was in a private meeting with Britain’s Got Talent runner-up Susan Boyle and could not be disturbed. It is understood that Mr Brown was devastated by the death of Michael Jackson and has turned to Ms Boyle for support.

The French President also managed to win the support of the European Central Bank (ECB) for the fledgling plan. ECB President Jean-Claude Trichet is a fellow Frenchman and he promised Mr Sarkozy to act immediately in support of the initiative.

“As a gesture to Mireland, and to show that the EU is serious about reinstating the Celtic Tiger interest rates will go up with immediate effect,” Mr Trichet told The Mire. “The Mirish people can now look forward to inflated food prices and mortgage payments as a sure sign that the boom is back.”

Asked what he thought of the plan Mr Trichet gave a Gallic shrug: “You Mirish are crazy,” he said.

Meanwhile, Mr Cowen was effusive in his praise for his French ally. “President Sarkozy, perhaps the most remarkable man of all time, may just have saved Mireland and the European Union,” he said.

Bono, often criticised for grand-standing on international issues while ignoring problems at home, has turned his attention to his devastated homeland and come up with a creative solution.

“This is a unique problem,” Bono said. “The children I am trying to help aren’t used to abject poverty. They were born into luxury and pampered for years but suddenly it is all gone. No one should have to face that.”

Inspired by the behaviour of celebrities such as Angelina Jolie, Meg Ryan and Madonna, Bono asked the three if they would adopt a Mirish child and help publicise the plight of Mirish children.

Aghast at what they heard, the three immediately agreed to help the devastated Celtic Tiger cubs. Families who want their children adopted by celebrities are invited to apply to a lottery system.

Applications will be vetted to ensure they are “new poor” and incapable of dealing with the downturn and not hardy “old poor” veterans of tough times. “Ideally we’re looking for the kids of people who did well in the boom but now don’t know where their next million is coming from,” Bono said.

Bono added that he understood Larry’s frustration but he had to follow his heart. “I love Larry,” he said. “He is just trying to protect U2. I respect that. He knows I couldn’t manage without him. He keeps me real.”

According to the top secret report, which The Mire has seen, Mireland is completely beset by alcoholics who don’t know how to drink properly. “High sugar and high caffeine alcoholic drinks combined with a range of recreational and prescription pharmaceuticals have caused mass hallucinations and mass delusions among the Mirish population,” the report states.

“Unfortunately the so called Celtic Tiger was one such hallucination and the notion that the Mirish people might somehow have been responsible for creating it was one such delusion,” it continued.

The report’s key recommendation was that Mireland needed to return to the traditional beer fuelled alcoholism of the 1980s and ’90s. “This was a much more level headed approach to getting drunk,” the report concluded, “although the popular delusion of the period – that Mireland could win the World Cup – could perhaps be seen as a sign of things to come.”