One hundred per cent of respondents to a Mire A.R.S.E. poll do not understand why Senator Ivor Callely was last night suspended from membership of Fianna Fáil, over allegations of “conduct unbecoming” a member of the organisation.

Experts in a wide-range of fields were also puzzled at the notion that a behaviour exists that could be deemed unbecoming for a member of Fianna Fáil.

“It’s hard to imagine what that behaviour might be,” a leading anthropologist said. “One would have thought that membership of Fianna Fáil is itself unbecoming.”

Sources have dismissed as “entirely implausible” suggestions that Mr Callely was suspended following  allegations in the Irish Mail on Sunday that Mr Callely claimed almost €3,000 for mobile phones and related services with receipts from a company that had ceased trading.

“Charlie Haughey will be turning in his grave if that is the case,” a source said.

Over 20 witnesses said Mr Haughey told them they were living beyond their means. As he spoke, the apparition of Mr Haughey simultaneously picked their pockets. “Good old Charlie,” one witness said.

“It was hideous,” another witness said. “He looked like an undead crew member from Pirates of the Carribbean. He hasn’t changed a bit.”

The apparition of Mr Haughey is expected to continue to appear before people with money in the run-up to Christmas.