The survey found that the Irish will spend twice as much German money as the Greeks and three times as much German money as the Germans.

“It is heartening that in these dark times we can still be proud of some things,” a Government spokesman said.

“No matter how hard things get, we can out spend anyone else in Europe.”

“If you haven’t sent anything home to help us through the hard times please do so by Monday,” a spokesman stressed.

He said the emigrants were part of a long tradition of sending home food and money to look after those left behind.

“Times have changed, however,” he said. “This year the iPad, iPhone and Kindle Fire are the items most in demand.”

“Emigration is a key growth area and we believe we can tap into that market,” a spokesmanfor the government’s jobs initiative said.

The spokesman insisted the initiative would meet the IMF stipulation of being cost neutral.

“This initiative will be funded by the money emigrants send home at Christmas,” the spokesman said.

“All I want for Christmas is the AIB, the AIB, the AIB,” he sings as he passes.  “Would you like a bank? I’ve any amount of them.”

“Read the small print,” I said. “I think you’ll find they’re mine.”

Dermot pouted. “Why are you so glum?

I told him my flight home was cancelled, I couldn’t get home for Christmas. “Don’t worry,” he said. “Spend Christmas with us. Lauren would be delighted.”

“I couldn’t possibly, I said, but Dermot insisted.

“Ok,” I said. “If you promise we won’t be eating more ortolans.”

“Sure an ortolan wouldn’t fill a hole in your tooth,” he said. “There’s no eating in them.”

Although initial reports that the couple were proud parents emanated from Van Morrison’s official website the singer later denied the existence of it.

A spokesman for Van Morrison went so far as to say that he had never heard of Tiger Woods. Van Morrison himself then said he had never heard of his spokesman.

“I have never heard of either of those people,” he added when asked whether Van Morrison and Tiger Woods had ever met.

Over 20 witnesses said Mr Haughey told them they were living beyond their means. As he spoke, the apparition of Mr Haughey simultaneously picked their pockets. “Good old Charlie,” one witness said.

“It was hideous,” another witness said. “He looked like an undead crew member from Pirates of the Carribbean. He hasn’t changed a bit.”

The apparition of Mr Haughey is expected to continue to appear before people with money in the run-up to Christmas.

In what could be a defining moment in the Lisbon referendum’s destiny Taoiseach Brian Cowen has revealed that rolling dates will be set aside for future Lisbon Treaty referenda if we fail to vote in favour of Lisbon on October 2^nd.

“The Lisbon Treaty will not just go away you know,” the Taoiseach said. “We will continue to vote for it until it is passed. We may even squeeze in a referendum this side of Christmas and then another at Easter. It is imperative we don’t give the impression that we are turning our back on Lisbon.”

No campaigners fear that the prospect of never-ending Lisbon campaigning might persuade the public to vote yes just to be rid of the subject. “You know we could vote once a month if we get the e-voting machines up and running,” Mr Cowen said ominously.[poll id="2"]