He surprised me then by starting to sing: ‘Snowdrops and daffodils butterflies and bees…’

“I can sing, can’t I?” he said to me. “Yes,” I said. “Why?”

Dermot ignored my question. “I’ve never made bombs,” he said. “Do you think they’ll hold that against me?”

“Who are they?” I asked. “The people,” he said. “The people need a President. I suppose I could learn how to make bombs.”

“But you’ve only been a TD for a few months,” I said. “You’re advise the Taoiseach on the bailout. You can’t just drop everything to become President.”

“Being a TD is so boring,” he said. “My people need me. They don’t want an IRA poet or a frumpy sound of music reject wannabe nun.”

“I mean an IRA poet for crying out loud,” he said. “I bet McGuinness wears thick socks with Jesus sandals. Think of the shame.”

“TDs did throw their knickers at the bar,” a manager said. “But it wasn’t for free drink. All their drink is free.”

“They threw their manky knickers at us when we tried to get them to pay for their drink,” he added.

Dublin District Civil Court urged a compromise whereby TDs would keep their knickers on and not have to pay for alcohol.

The United Nations declared September 15th International Day of Democracy to encourage the promotion and consolidation of democracy.

“The need to promote and protect democracy is as urgent now as ever,” said Ceann Comhairle Seán Barrett, as he struggled to stop laughing.

“We should celebrate the fact that we have always retained the freedom to elect our own parliament,” said Mr Barrett, while TDs urinated on each other.

Tests showed that people who watched a few minutes of the show were less able to problem solve or pay attention.

“SpongeBob is not solely to blame. Most TDs were badly behaved and unable to concentrating when they got here,” a Houses of the Oireachtas spokesman said.

“At the end of the day we have to keep them quiet and we’re not allowed sedate them. Switching off SpongeBob would be a disaster,” he added.

“Our U-turns are as audacious as yours, they are as blatant as yours, they are as shameful as yours,” Mr Kenny told Fianna Fáil leader Micheál Martin.

“They are every bit as good as yours,” he added sniffily.

This suggestion clearly amused Mr Martin. “Oh your U-turns are good alright Enda,” he replied with a smirk. “But they’re not that good.”

“We urgently need a training programme for new TDs or help from the IMF,” a government source said.

The source said the four most common questions from TDs were:

Do I have to sit beside him?

Why do I have to wear a tie if he  isn’t wearing one?

Can I claim this on expenses?

When are we going to see some of this IMF money?

The move follows the positive experience in Limerick Prison where allowing prisoners to watch the TV soap has been linked to a reduction in violent incidents.

“This has to be worth trying in Leinster House,” a Garda source said. “We can’t just let them keep behaving with complete disregard for the common good.”

However, an expert in this sort of thing warned that TDs were more than capable of destroying the country while watching Coronation Street.

Mr Cowen, who announced last night that he would not contest the general election, will travel to Áras an Uachtaráin this afternoon to ask President Mary McAleese to dissolve the Dáil.

Unfortunately this is just a technical term and neither the Dáil nor the Government will actually be dissolved.

“Cowen presided over the collapse of the economy, the banking crisis and many other instances of incompetence,” an analyst said.

“His record as an awful Taoiseach is beyond compare. However, all the early signs suggest that Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny could outdo him,” he added.

Fine Gael and Labour TDs were almost unanimous in saying Mr Cowen was the right man to lead Fianna Fáil into the general election, with the only exception being Enda Kenny who said Cowen should go immediately.

“Poor Enda hasn’t quite grasped it yet,” a Fine Gael source said.

Prospective leaders of Fianna Fáil were the only members of the party who supported Mr Cowen as leader.

“It’s a statue of Jackie Healy-Rae,” I explained. “A politician in Kerry whose vote was critical to passing the bailout package in the Dáil.”

“Him? I thought he wanted a hospital,” Ajai said.

“He does. And a statue of himself overlooking the lakes of Killarney based on Christ the Redeemer in Rio de Janeiro.”

“Is the one in Rio gold-plated too?”

“No, but he was very specific. His cap has to be gold-plated and the statue has to be bigger than Christ the Redeemer.”

Ajai groaned, somewhere in Africa a Finance Minister suffered a heart attack.

“We also had to okay a casino based on Sun City somewhere in Tipperary for Michael Lowry,” I said.

“At least casinos generate income. Any good news?”

“Well we might actually be able to get some work done while they’re talking about abortion.”

Ajai hung up.