Sources in the Department of Finance have revealed that these would be priority issues if the new bailout occurs.

“You never know when you might want to host an Olympics,” a senior civil servant said.

“Obviously, some of the money would be used to pay bank debts too,” he added. “We’re not irresponsible.”

“Tinpan* Bertie told us our boom would get boomier,” a Chinese official said.

He added that there was some confusion over Mr Ahern’s insistence that no one needed bank accounts.

“It’s strange but we trust him. He does money magic,” the official said.

* A Taipan is a title given to a powerful foreign businessman in China, The Mire understands that a Tinpan may be a title nobody wants.

“We are concerned about it’s wellbeing,” a Garda spokesman said. “We believe it is feeling downgraded, unloved and insecure.”

Previously, the economy was mislaid by officials in former Taoiseach Brian Cowen’s office before it was found hiding in a box of paper clips.

The spokesman asked anyone with information about the economy to contact Gardaí immediately.

“It has no monetary value whatsoever but the Irish people have a strong sentimental attachment to it,” he said.

“The time has come to decide whether we are just keeping the economy alive because we cannot bring ourselves to say goodbye,” a doctor said.

“The economy is suffering needless pain and humiliation while well-intentioned but misguided surgeons conduct stress tests on its banks.”

“If the economy suffers another trauma we should make no attempt to resuscitate it,” the doctor added.

“Over the years they have clearly established a right of way through the economy by trampling through it at will,” the expert said. “Only a constitutional referendum can revoke that right of way.”

The Council of State meeting today to examine emergency legislation on banking should instead call for an immediate referendum, he explained.

“An emergency barring order preventing Finance Minister Brian Lenihan from approaching the economy should be brought in until the referendum can be held,” he added.

The economy was taken to an unknown location and is believed to be recovering from its ordeal.

Analysts believe it is unlikely that the Government or main opposition parties will notice that the economy is now controlled by the IMF. “They are, quite naturally, more concerned with the likely outcome of the X Factor,” a source said.

Apparently a major split has emerged in the Cabinet as to who should win the talent show with Finance Minister Brian Lenihan favouring Mary Byrne while Taoiseach Brian Cowen prefers boy band One Direction.

The Taoiseach’s enthusiasm for One Direction has led him to ask Cabinet members to come to work in Onesies like those worn by the band.  Batt O’Keeffe and Dick Roche are said to be particularly keen but others were cautious. “What if we need to do a number 2?” a source asked.

“For generations we have celebrated the Economy every Christmas but our children are openly saying that it doesn’t exist,” a concerned parent said.

“They are missing out on the happy, innocent childhoods full of wonder at the magic of the Economy that we enjoyed,” she added. “As adults we need to talk up the Economy so they can once again believe in it.”

Mr Brady yesterday made a compelling case for declaring war on Britain over its stance on EU payments to farmers. “We fought the Brits before and we will fight them again,” said Mr Brady.

A Cabinet source admitted the notion of declaring war on Britain had not been included in the four year plan. “This oversight is being looked at,” he said. “Heads will role.”

Although the country is in the doldrums there was significant public support for the suggestion. “As long as we have leaders of the calibre of Johnny Brady we’ll always have a fighting chance,” a citizen said.

“There is no doubt the fire that damaged the economy last night was set deliberately,” a Garda source said.

“It would appear that the perpetrators planned a simple insurance scam. Unfortunately for them they hadn’t paid the insurance premiums so it came to nothing.”

Gardai are concentrating their search for the suspects in the Kildare Street area of Dublin.

Taoiseach Brian Cowen, Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny, Labour leader Eamon Gilmore and Green Party leader John Gormley were not available for comment.

The meeting is designed to see if the party leaders have anything in common apart from expenses and long holidays.

“Fear of Mary Harney is the most obvious common ground for them,” an analyst said.

“There is talk that they might find common ground on the economy but half of them aren’t interested in it at all,” he added.