Taoiseach in waiting Enda Kenny has called on pretend Taoiseach Brian Cowen and real Taoiseach Brian Lenihan to ask President Mary McAleese to convene a Council of State to deal with the crisis.

One option is that Mary Harney be given the title in perpetuity irrespective of whether she runs for election. “We are also asking the President whether Mary Harney could be forced to be Minister for Health or face imprisonment,” a source said.

It is understood that the leaders of the three main parties are in complete agreement that the position of Minister for Health should be discontinued if Ms Harney cannot be persuaded to stay on in the role.

However, sources in the Green Party have suggested that Paul Gogarty TD has the attitude and language skills necessary for the job. “The way he said ‘Fuck you’ to Emmett Stagg in the Dail shows real promise. We could imagine him dealing with patients and their loved ones in a similar fashion,” a source said.

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