Speaking in Davos at the World Economic Forum, Mr Kenny revealed that behind his carefully constructed image as a bit of a gobshite he is actually a bit of a gobshite.

The revelation was devastating for the people of Ireland who have witnessed him being a bit of a gobshite for over 30 years.

“We would never have voted for that Enda Kenny fella  if we’d known he was that Enda Kenny fella,” everyone said.

In a strongly worded statement the Elephant said it is not now and never has been Portugal, Enda Kenny or Irish bank stress tests.

“It is difficult enough being an elephant in a room without being called the Enda Kenny factor too,” the elephant said.

“It has made my client’s life miserable,” the elephant’s solicitor said. “He no longer enjoys being in the room but is afraid to leave it in case even more problems are laid at his feet.”

Not for the first time Mr Kenny barricaded himself in his room and refused to answer senior Fine Gael colleagues who tried to convince him that today is the day he will become Taoiseach.

Labour leader Eamon Gilmore also implored Mr Kenny to come out of his room to no avail.

Finally, Taoiseach Brian Cowen was able to persuade Mr Kenny to leave his bedroom and form a government. “I can’t believe it either but it’s true. You really will be Taoiseach of the 31st Dáil,” he apparently told him.

Mr Kenny who led his party to unprecedented success in the general election revealed to RTÉ that he had an imaginary friend. “Paddy likes to know what the story is,” he told RTÉ’s Richard Crowley enigmatically.

“Paddy has been a great help to Enda,” a Fine Gael source revealed to The Mire. “No one else would listen to him bang on about his five point plan.”

“A man like Mr Kenny won’t find it easy being Taoiseach,” a psychologist said. “Having Paddy to talk to will help him cope. One could even say that Paddy will be the real Taoiseach.”

“This is no time to drop your guard,” a garda source said. “The darkest hour is just before the dawn.”

“Dress warmly, pack some food and a flask of tea and hide in a ditch,” he added. “You can try hiding behind the couch at home but they will know that you’re there.”

Meanwhile, Fine Gael have revealed that the party intends to hit the ground running if forming a government. “Enda is going to make a list of the top 10 things he likes about being Taoiseach,” a party source revealed.

There is widespread agreement that only a major gaffe by Mr Kenny can prevent him from becoming Taoiseach now.

Analysts contacted by The Mire are split as to whether he can manage such a gaffe with only three days to go to the general election.

“If anyone can, Enda can,” one analyst said. “Given his track record you would have to have faith in him.”

“Not even Enda could fail now. He’s good at being crap but he’s not that good at it,” another analyst said.

Apparently Mr Kenny has yet to decide what to watch during the earlier stages of the debate but ITV2′s The Biggest Loser is a warm favourite according to bookmakers.

However, those who know Mr Kenny say he will probably be watching The Diary of Anne Frank on Sky Movies Classics at that stage.

“Enda’s all about hiding these days,” a source said, “and Anne Frank was excellent at it.”

At the request of the parties involved, The Mire spent hours playing subbuteo with Mr Kenny in his bedroom and discussing the issue with him.

“I brought some Match Attax cards and sweets with me,” The Mire said in a statement.

“Mr Kenny eventually agreed to take part in the debate on one condition. He wants to do a poo at Paul’s.”

Fine Gael and TV3 said they were delighted with The Mire’s intervention. “Who’s Paul?” they asked urgently. “Does anyone know Paul?”

The poll found that 73% of respondents also suffered some hair loss when asked about any of the three party leaders.

Asked which of the three men might be best placed to lead an economic recovery 84% of respondents fell to the ground and started speaking in tongues.

An astonishing 100% felt an overwhelming need to laugh and defecate simultaneously when asked about the failed political reform movement Democracy Now.

“Nothing could be further from the truth,” a source said. “It’s far too close to the general election to consider replacing Enda Kenny with Brian Cowen no matter how desireable it may be.”

The source also disputed reports that current party leader Enda Kenny has locked himself in his room and won’t come out until the election goes away.

“He didn’t lock the door. He’s just sitting with his back against it,” he insisted.