The scientists, all out-and-out bankers, have spent several years smashing economies together in a bid to establish the existence of Europe.

“Results so far seem to show a hint of something,” a scientist explained.

“It might be that Europe really exists or it could just be a figment of our imagination,” he added.

“We’re looking at all the bankers on our books trying to find the right candidate to govern Spain,” an ECB spokesman said.

“While we are conducting the search the new government are welcome to pretend they are in charge for a week or so.”

“However,” he added. “They mustn’t touch anything.”

The Mire has learned that President Nicolas Sarkozy of France is excited at the thought of naming them after President Nicolas Sarkozy of France.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel believes they should be given reliable, trustworthy names like Volkswagen.

The ECB, however, is insisting they should be called subsidiaries.

“If the ECB needs us, we will not be found wanting,” a government spokesman said. “However, it would be helpful if they were to look again at some of the conditions they imposed on us during our bailout negotiations.”

Due to an oversight, these conditions just came to our attention when we read this morning’s newspapers,” he added.

The ECB is expected to announce further measures to resolve the euro zone crisis at a meeting in Frankfurt today.

Mr Trichet, who is clearly a member of Fianna Fáil, told shocked MEPs there was  a “positive underlying momentum” in the economic recovery of the euro zone.

“This is terrible news,” an MEP told The Mire. “We didn’t realise how bad things were until he said they weren’t bad at all.”

After his uncomfortable experience on last Friday’s Late Late Show, Mr Cowen spent the night discussing the referendum with French President Nicolas Sarkozy. “Despite Ryan Tubridy’s extremely personal questioning of the Taoiseach on the Late Late neither man had any problem drinking,” a spokesman said.

Mr Sarkozy flew in to Mireland earlier on Friday evening to support the Taoiseach on the Late Late Show. He had intended to appear on the show with Mr Cowen but suffered a crippling attack of the debilitating shyness for which he is famous while waiting in the green room.

Happily, Mr Sarkozy recovered and was able to engage with the Taoiseach on the vexing issue of Lisbon. After several hours of discussion the two hit on what is now seen as the only hope of passing the referendum.

Mr Sarkozy immediately began to use his influence, calling key European leaders and asking them to support the plan. All but Britain’s Prime Minister Gordon Brown indicated broad support for the plan. Mr Brown was in a private meeting with Britain’s Got Talent runner-up Susan Boyle and could not be disturbed. It is understood that Mr Brown was devastated by the death of Michael Jackson and has turned to Ms Boyle for support.

The French President also managed to win the support of the European Central Bank (ECB) for the fledgling plan. ECB President Jean-Claude Trichet is a fellow Frenchman and he promised Mr Sarkozy to act immediately in support of the initiative.

“As a gesture to Mireland, and to show that the EU is serious about reinstating the Celtic Tiger interest rates will go up with immediate effect,” Mr Trichet told The Mire. “The Mirish people can now look forward to inflated food prices and mortgage payments as a sure sign that the boom is back.”

Asked what he thought of the plan Mr Trichet gave a Gallic shrug: “You Mirish are crazy,” he said.

Meanwhile, Mr Cowen was effusive in his praise for his French ally. “President Sarkozy, perhaps the most remarkable man of all time, may just have saved Mireland and the European Union,” he said.