Then there was the shocking news that the Celtic Tiger was caused by inappropriate alcoholism.

There was good news when the HSE announced that Ryanair would take over the running of the health service. Sadly, the deal fell through as the airline didn’t like dealing with “bloody invalids”.

NAMA was delightful for the usual suspects until they found that Pat Kenny had already squatted all the good properties.

Taoiseach Brian Cowen feared a very Mirish coup until he decided to bank on a tree stump to save the economy.

A suggestion from French President Nicolas Sarkozy that getting Enda Kenny to say no to Lisbon would guarantee the referendum’s success won cross-party support.

A report by food safety experts found food and packaging was completely interchangeable although the packaging tended to be more appetising.

In September the HSE said children with swine flu should be kept in sheds. It also launched WellBeing perfume to replace traditional health care. Sadly we were allergic to WellBeing.

Former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern announced he would step down from politics to focus on Mehole, his anti-social networking site.

The Dublin bikes scheme turned out to be flawed as obese cyclists abandoned the bikes when they came to a hill. Obesity was in the news again when it was linked to appalling injuries during sex.

Sources in Taoiseach Brian Cowen’s head announced that he was not drinking nearly enough. Meanwhile, the voices in Enda Kenny’s head escaped. Finally, Brian Cowen and British Prime Minister Gordon Brown sang a duet of Man in the Mirror to the voices in Mr Brown’s head.

It was a rollercoaster year for the Greens. There was euphoria when Trevor Sargent launched waterproof Jesus sandals so organic farmers could walk on water without getting wet feet. Dismay followed when it emerged our Carbon Arseprint was entirely responsible for global warming. And there was defiance when the entire Green Party leadership was arrested for urinating in their neighbours’ compost bins.

Few were surprised when performance evaluation monitors found that 37 per cent of public servants were “probably dead”. And no one was surprised that a third of new roads go nowhere while others are completely lost.

In perhaps the most sinister development of the recession the very existence of the lesser spotted rural drinker was threatened until UNESCO intervened.

Stephen Ireland refused the FAI’s reasonable request that he change his name. A churlish John Delaney turned down the opportunity to be Sepp Blatter’s official gimp and strongly denied trying to burn down the Guinness brewery because it is French-owned.

Green TD Paul Gogarty crossed a line when he used the word “sincerity” in Dail Eireann.

The wider community said it lived in fear of bored, bitter ex-bishops while the bishops said the Murphy report was quite innocuous when read with mental reservation.

Finally, sexperts everywhere fear that quitting golf could destroy Tiger’s “game”.

It was a pig’s mickey of a year, a twisted, crooked thing. The Mire looks forward to more of the same in 2010.

Sources told The Mire that the FAI remained so enraged at being cheated out of a place in the World Cup by France that it had decided to target French companies in Ireland.

“The fire was just a start. We are going to mount a Facebook campaign to stop Irish people drinking this evil French drink,” a source said.

The source said the FAI was not concerned that many people here considered Guinness to be Irish and were, in fact, quite partial to it.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” he said. “Does diageo sound Irish to you? Anyway, if John Delaney wants to know what the Irish people want all he has to do is look into his heart.”

“The official gimp will have a seat of honour beside Mr Blatter at all FIFA functions,” a FIFA source said. “We may even consider using an image of the gimp as a logo for World Cup 2014 in Brazil.”

“The official gimp will also receive a clothing allowance and a very attractive collar and lead,” he added.

Mr Blatter said he made the offer humbly and in good faith. “He can be my gimp or he can be my bitch,” he said. “I don’t mind. I like gimps. I like bitches. Life is beautiful.”

It is understood FIFA believe this special award will end controversy over FIFA’s handling of the Thierry Henry handball incident which sent Ireland out of the World Cup.

The Mire has learned from sources embedded deep within the FAI that Delaney and Giovanni Trappatoni are planning a series of pitch invasions during all of France’s games. “We will take the ball. We will take the trophy. We will take the piss,” he said.

Players are to attend a series of World Cup warm up camps where they will learn the principles of passive resistance and be taught how to chain themselves to goalposts.

“Fans can expect a committed performance but there will be some unfamiliar faces in Mr Trappatoni’s team as squad selection will be based on bulk and bloodyminded ignorance,” he added.

The Mire has seen a copy of a letter from the FAI’s Chief Executive John Delaney to the Manchester City star in which Mr Delaney accepts that the footballer does not wish to play for his country.

“We fully respect your decision,” the letter says. “However, we feel it will help bring closure to this issue if you take the small step of changing your surname to reflect the situation properly.

“If it is of any help, we held an office poll and the following names were suggested: Cromwell, Denning, Thatcher and Shipman. Obviously the choice is ultimately yours.”

Mr Ireland was not available for comment. “What are they on?” his spokesman said.