“There is no better way to get used to retirement than undertaking a FÁS course.  Most people who do them never work again,” a proud FÁS source said.

Experts have slammed the fact that the scheme will continue when FÁS is rebranded as SOLAS.

“Working for FÁS or SOLAS is in itself the perfect way to ease into retirement,” an expert said reasonably.

“What will they think of next? Probably something ridiculous like giving people 14 weeks off to practice being retired,” he added.

SOLAS, which replaces the now legendary training agency FÁS, has been tasked with training people for jobs that won’t exist.

A SOLAS source admitted that FÁS was a hard act to follow.

“They are legends,” the source said. “Even in the boom the only jobs they created were their own.”

“Fortunately we have the same management as FÁS so we should be able to maintain their high standards,” the source added.

SOLAS, which is Irish for light, will replace FÁS which was also tasked with training people for ‘jobs’- although none are understood to have materialised.

“Jobs are an elusive concept Mr Bruton refers to regularly,” a psychologist said. “We have no idea what it means. It might be his safe word.”

Speaking at the MacGill Summer School in Glenties Minister Bruton said creating a new agency to train people for something unknown is one of the most important decisions the government has taken.

The Government intends to employ up to 400 doctors from India and Pakistan but senior FÁS officials believe the shortfall should be made up from those who lost their jobs when the construction sector collapsed.

“We can qualify as many doctors as you like by the end of July,” a FÁS source said. “Sure it’s not brain surgery, after all.”

“We’ll cut down on screen breaks to speed up the process,” the source said. “And we’ll scrap job placements – they were useless anyway.”

A report detailing the name change and the reason for it is to be sent to the Minister for Education and Skills Mary Coughlan within a month.

However, a source has indicated to The Mire that only one letter is to change in the name of the organisation.  “We don’t want to spend money needlessly anymore. If we can just change one letter in the letterhead fortunes could be saved,” the source said.

“To truly reflect the moribund nature of Fás we are changing its name to Bas,” he added.

Officials from the Department of Enterprise, Trade and Innovation; the Department of Education and Skills; and the Department of Social Protection will try to figure out

- whether Fás really exists or is just a primitive belief system

- if Fás has a purpose

- if Fás come in peace

Taoiseach Brian Cowen dismissed suggestions that spreading responsibility for Fás across three departments would somehow make it less efficient.

“The opposition need to get real here,” he said. “How could Fás be less efficient? Seriously.”

If the officials survive the mental strain of their impossible task they will then be asked to explain what their own government departments do.

Medical experts believed the unnamed individual had suffered an awful trauma and treated him as though he were in a coma since 1986.

To the astonishment of medical staff, however, the man rose from his bed on Tuesday morning and announced that he had to go and attend the picket line for the public service strike.

“This is an extraordinary breakthrough,” a leading coma specialist said. “We are currently reviewing all of our vegetative state cases to see how many of them just suffer from deep lethargy.”

“Obviously, deep lethargy is also a terrible affliction but there is, nonetheless, a glimmer of hope for many families this morning,” he added.

Unmarried mothers in receipt of Social Welfare payments will have to provide proof of appointments with matchmakers or attendance at either the Mullingar or Ballybunion International Bachelor Festivals or the Lisdoonvarna matchmaking festival in order to retain benefits.

“If they’re trying to find a man they’re fine,” a spokeswoman said. “We realise that some unfortunates will never find a man and that is also fine. We won’t penalise them for being hideous or for being the other thing… you know… lesbian. Sure we couldn’t do that.”

As matchmaking has nearly died out here Minister for Social and Family Affairs Mary Hanafin has arranged for Fas to introduce a matchmaking course. “”There are opportunities here for people who have lost their jobs to get back on their feet,” the spokeswoman said.

In preparation for the course, a team of Fas executives is to tour India studying matchmaking practices there. All unnecessary expenses will be receipted.

“Theirs is a very specific skill and it is hard to find a suitable alternative for them,” a Fas spokesman said. “Conkers are seen as the best alternative so at the moment we are gently introducing them to the conker concept.”

Fas are housing the samurai warriors in some of the many unused retail units around the country where their only pastime is urinating into buckets of conkers to toughen their skins.

“It is very hard to motivate the warriors at the moment. They are some of the saddest samurais we’ve ever seen,” the spokesman said. “They would fall on their swords if they had any.”

Mr Lenihan ordered the review as part of his preparation for December’s budget. However, although a team of forensic accountants dedicated six months to the task they could not find any trace of benefit arising from the efforts of any state agency.

“We looked at Fas, we looked at the Health Service Executive, we looked at everything. If any good had come of any of these agencies we would have found it,” a spokesman said.

“The cost benefit analysis formula is useless if there is no benefit to measure cost against. This is clearly a flaw in the cost benefit analysis formula and does not reflect in any way on the work of this country’s dedicated state agencies,” a senior civil servant said.