The grim master plan would be carried out on the pretext of providing youth camps for the nation’s children.

Former Taoisigh Brian Cowen and Bertie Ahern are lined up to administer the camps dressed as scout masters so as not to appear sinister.

“This is clearly an attempt to put Fianna Fáil back at the heart of the bowel of Irish political life,” an analyst said.

“Tiocfaidh ár lá,” a Fianna Fáil source said confusingly.

“It’s an area that needs to be looked at,” a source said. “The likes of Fianna Fáil have no protection from Fianna Fáil.”

“There was nothing anyone could do,” a witness to six-hour-long meeting said.

“It’s a crime that it’s not a crime.”

“It’s a sorry state of affairs. There hasn’t been a single think thunk,” an expert said.

“The Thinkometer is flat-lining,” he added. “It’s no wonder the country’s fucked.”

The expert then got involved in a dispute with a Fianna Fáil think-in attendee who said the Thinkometer flat-lined at Fine Gael and Labour think-ins too.

“Sadly that’s true,” the expert admitted. “It doesn’t seem to work around politicians.”

It is understood that Mr Byrne, who has been offered the support of Fianna Fáil, will run if enough* people make enough of a fuss about him and his success is a foregone conclusion.

Mr Tubridy will run if no one makes a fuss (he hates fuss) and his election is a foregone conclusion.

It is still considered unlikely that Mr Kenny will run  but he might squat in Áras an Uachtaráin if someone leaves a door or window open.

Meanwhile, the Government is looking to double the President’s salary of €325,000 to make it more attractive to RTÉ presenters.

* Sources believe enough means everybody

“Our U-turns are as audacious as yours, they are as blatant as yours, they are as shameful as yours,” Mr Kenny told Fianna Fáil leader Micheál Martin.

“They are every bit as good as yours,” he added sniffily.

This suggestion clearly amused Mr Martin. “Oh your U-turns are good alright Enda,” he replied with a smirk. “But they’re not that good.”

Mr Lowry could enjoy the support of the bigger parties as a former minister with the Rainbow Coalition while he also has strong links with the small but influential Fianna Fáil party.

“He has a unique background which makes him truly representative of our political culture,” an analyst said.

“It would send the right message to Europe if we don’t hold several costly election campaigns,” he added. “I’m sure Lowry’s election costs would come in cheaper.”

For nine out of the last 10 years officials warned Mr Sheen to curb his wilder excesses, a report published today reveals.

“I should have listened to those guys. They are winners,” Mr Sheen might have said.

The report, aimed at discovering whether the Department of Finance is fit for purpose, also found that officials there advised Brian Cowen to sing at Jury’s Cabaret rather than become leader of Fianna Fáil.

“Sadly we’re used to having our advice ignored,” a Finance official said. “Sure only today we advised the Minister for Finance not to publish this report.”

“This is awful,” a devastated Irish person said. “If this is revolution, give me Fianna Fáil.”

“The kids saw them cleaning up on the news,” a mother said. “Now they keep having nightmares and they won’t eat. They’re traumatised.”

“People cannot deal with this immense shock on their own,” a psychologist said. “We need to provide counselling to anyone who witnessed it.”

“This song is completely on message,” a senior Fianna Fáil source said. “We believe it will strike the right tone with voters. The Irish are a very forgiving people, particularly when it is in their own interests.”

“We just need to get our foot in the door and start singing,” he added. “You know it could have been written for us, just look at the lyrics:”

You must forgive the cunts – Yeah
The ones who walk upon you – Yeah
Who walk all over you – Yeah
You really must forgive them – Yeah
I know it’s really hard – Yeah
But if you don’t forgive the cunts
You’ll never find the peace inside you want – Yeah

Motorways, casinos, hospitals and relocated government departments are among the many enticements available to the right candidate.

“After we lose the election the leader can stand down and the Ministers who don’t want to be associated with the defeat will hold a real leadership contest,” a source said.

“I’m only going in for a laugh,” one backbencher told The Mire. “Sure it was already offered to the cleaning lady in the Dáil canteen and she laughed him out of it.”