“Is he a man or a mouse? I myself am lethal,” Mr Mitchell said.

“Some people die at the very thought of me,” he added. “No one survives a conversation.”

The Mire’s thoughts are with our interviewer who passed away while listening to Mr Mitchell.

“Our U-turns are as audacious as yours, they are as blatant as yours, they are as shameful as yours,” Mr Kenny told Fianna Fáil leader Micheál Martin.

“They are every bit as good as yours,” he added sniffily.

This suggestion clearly amused Mr Martin. “Oh your U-turns are good alright Enda,” he replied with a smirk. “But they’re not that good.”

The light appeared after it became clear that Labour would be in government with Fine Gael and it has been getting stronger with every passing day.

Understandably, many analysts thought the light at the end of the tunnel meant the economy had turned a corner. “We’ve been looking for it for so long we got over-excited,” a source said.

“It’s just like the sun,” he added. “It’s very bright and you can bask in it.”

“This bailout business has dragged on too long,” he said. “I’m not even in Government yet and I’m already tired of it.”

Mr Noonan said he was prepared to play with one hand tied his back and would be happy to consider any other sport at the request of the EU or IMF.

“Baseball, cricket, petanque… I don’t mind,” he said. “You’ll never beat the Irish. We can do anything except pay our bills.”

Mr Kenny who led his party to unprecedented success in the general election revealed to RTÉ that he had an imaginary friend. “Paddy likes to know what the story is,” he told RTÉ’s Richard Crowley enigmatically.

“Paddy has been a great help to Enda,” a Fine Gael source revealed to The Mire. “No one else would listen to him bang on about his five point plan.”

“A man like Mr Kenny won’t find it easy being Taoiseach,” a psychologist said. “Having Paddy to talk to will help him cope. One could even say that Paddy will be the real Taoiseach.”

“This is no time to drop your guard,” a garda source said. “The darkest hour is just before the dawn.”

“Dress warmly, pack some food and a flask of tea and hide in a ditch,” he added. “You can try hiding behind the couch at home but they will know that you’re there.”

Meanwhile, Fine Gael have revealed that the party intends to hit the ground running if forming a government. “Enda is going to make a list of the top 10 things he likes about being Taoiseach,” a party source revealed.

At the request of the parties involved, The Mire spent hours playing subbuteo with Mr Kenny in his bedroom and discussing the issue with him.

“I brought some Match Attax cards and sweets with me,” The Mire said in a statement.

“Mr Kenny eventually agreed to take part in the debate on one condition. He wants to do a poo at Paul’s.”

Fine Gael and TV3 said they were delighted with The Mire’s intervention. “Who’s Paul?” they asked urgently. “Does anyone know Paul?”

“This is a crazy game of bluff,” an analyst said. “They’re playing Russian roulette with a fully loaded gun.”

“Either one of them could do it,” another analyst said. “This can only end badly.”

Sources within the EU and the IMF promised to do their best not to accept a return of the bailout funds. “We will do what we can,” they said. “We have your interests at heart.”

“Nothing could be further from the truth,” a source said. “It’s far too close to the general election to consider replacing Enda Kenny with Brian Cowen no matter how desireable it may be.”

The source also disputed reports that current party leader Enda Kenny has locked himself in his room and won’t come out until the election goes away.

“He didn’t lock the door. He’s just sitting with his back against it,” he insisted.

Fine Gael and Labour TDs were almost unanimous in saying Mr Cowen was the right man to lead Fianna Fáil into the general election, with the only exception being Enda Kenny who said Cowen should go immediately.

“Poor Enda hasn’t quite grasped it yet,” a Fine Gael source said.

Prospective leaders of Fianna Fáil were the only members of the party who supported Mr Cowen as leader.