“The rules are clear. No democrats. And you have to be able to show that you can operate at the highest level in a failed banking system,” an expert said.

It is understood that Mr Sarkozy had hoped his disdain for voters would count in his favour.

“Disdain is easy,” a banker said. “We can all do that.”

The Mire has learned that President Nicolas Sarkozy of France is excited at the thought of naming them after President Nicolas Sarkozy of France.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel believes they should be given reliable, trustworthy names like Volkswagen.

The ECB, however, is insisting they should be called subsidiaries.

France pretends to have a high corporate tax rate but close examination reveals that it is actually very low.

Similiarly, President Sarkozy is very small but wears stacked shoes and stands on boxes to appear taller.

“We absolutely deny laughing at President Sarkozy and our tax rate is not modelled on his attempts to appear taller,” a source said.

“Please, please, please don’t tell him the truth. He will fire us all,” the source added.

Sources told The Mire that the FAI remained so enraged at being cheated out of a place in the World Cup by France that it had decided to target French companies in Ireland.

“The fire was just a start. We are going to mount a Facebook campaign to stop Irish people drinking this evil French drink,” a source said.

The source said the FAI was not concerned that many people here considered Guinness to be Irish and were, in fact, quite partial to it.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” he said. “Does diageo sound Irish to you? Anyway, if John Delaney wants to know what the Irish people want all he has to do is look into his heart.”

“The official gimp will have a seat of honour beside Mr Blatter at all FIFA functions,” a FIFA source said. “We may even consider using an image of the gimp as a logo for World Cup 2014 in Brazil.”

“The official gimp will also receive a clothing allowance and a very attractive collar and lead,” he added.

Mr Blatter said he made the offer humbly and in good faith. “He can be my gimp or he can be my bitch,” he said. “I don’t mind. I like gimps. I like bitches. Life is beautiful.”

It is understood FIFA believe this special award will end controversy over FIFA’s handling of the Thierry Henry handball incident which sent Ireland out of the World Cup.

The Mire has learned from sources embedded deep within the FAI that Delaney and Giovanni Trappatoni are planning a series of pitch invasions during all of France’s games. “We will take the ball. We will take the trophy. We will take the piss,” he said.

Players are to attend a series of World Cup warm up camps where they will learn the principles of passive resistance and be taught how to chain themselves to goalposts.

“Fans can expect a committed performance but there will be some unfamiliar faces in Mr Trappatoni’s team as squad selection will be based on bulk and bloodyminded ignorance,” he added.

The Mire has seen a copy of a letter from the FAI’s Chief Executive John Delaney to the Manchester City star in which Mr Delaney accepts that the footballer does not wish to play for his country.

“We fully respect your decision,” the letter says. “However, we feel it will help bring closure to this issue if you take the small step of changing your surname to reflect the situation properly.

“If it is of any help, we held an office poll and the following names were suggested: Cromwell, Denning, Thatcher and Shipman. Obviously the choice is ultimately yours.”

Mr Ireland was not available for comment. “What are they on?” his spokesman said.