An iron arrowhead was found in the victim’s skull after his body was discovered by a farmer.

“Somebody somewhere knows something,” a Garda spokesman said.

“It is vital that they come forward and help with the investigation.”

“We are concerned about it’s wellbeing,” a Garda spokesman said. “We believe it is feeling downgraded, unloved and insecure.”

Previously, the economy was mislaid by officials in former Taoiseach Brian Cowen’s office before it was found hiding in a box of paper clips.

The spokesman asked anyone with information about the economy to contact Gardaí immediately.

“It has no monetary value whatsoever but the Irish people have a strong sentimental attachment to it,” he said.

“We should look to our brothers in the church for guidance on this matter,” a source said.

Alternatively, gardaí could be advised to switch off recording devices before chatting amicably about rape. “There are various ways of doing this, we recommend using  a sledgehammer,” a member of the garda intelligence unit said.

“Some devices may have a black box which is indestructible,” he added. “You have to hit them lads extra hard.”

“This is no time to drop your guard,” a garda source said. “The darkest hour is just before the dawn.”

“Dress warmly, pack some food and a flask of tea and hide in a ditch,” he added. “You can try hiding behind the couch at home but they will know that you’re there.”

Meanwhile, Fine Gael have revealed that the party intends to hit the ground running if forming a government. “Enda is going to make a list of the top 10 things he likes about being Taoiseach,” a party source revealed.

“Many of our young people are routinely sober despite our best efforts,” a spokesman said.

“They are shameless and flagrant in the way they flaunt their sobriety as if it were a badge of honour,” he added.

The spokesman said Mr Ahern was determined to stamp out this anti-social behaviour. “We will not tolerate our children setting such a bad example for the rest of us,” he said.

The calls followed an announcement by garda sources that they had objected to 57 suspected sham marriages.

“We knew there were more out there but had no idea the figures were so high,” a source said.  “There’s hardly a marriage in the State that isn’t a sham.”

“Callers have told us sordid tales of separate bank accounts, unshared housework and a distinct lack of sex,” he added. “The Sham  Marriage Unit is completely overrun.”

Gardai of all ranks were devastated at the news. “Leaving no stone unturned is the cornerstone of our policing system,” a senior Garda source said, “and now we are told that it is a waste of time. This is the biggest challenge we have ever faced.”

The source predicted that many senior gardai would leave the force rather than retrain. “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks,” he said.

Minister for Justice Dermot Ahern, however, was typically defiant. “The Garda Siochana will bounce back from this,” he said. “We will leave no stone unturned. We will find a new cliche. And we will be stronger as a result.”

“We got a huge number of calls from women who watched a moment or two of the programme before switching to I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here,” a Garda spokesman said. “Every last one of them said Mr Stewart followed them to I’m A Celebrity and kept staring blankly at them from the television.”

Some of the callers are convinced that Mr Stewart is even stalking them in real life. “I went to put the dog in the shed last night and he was at the back door,” a woman who asked not to be named said. “He wanted to speak to the man of the house about an erection on site and asked if my insulation had a ventilated cavity.”

“I called the Gardai but they said it couldn’t be him because they were watching him on About the House,” she added.

The Garda spokesman said they take all calls seriously. “We are taking it very seriously. We have referred it to the appropriate mental health authority,” he said.

The Mire has learned that the special Garda investigation into all gangster-related shootings has issued warnings to gangsters who fear for their lives not to associate with members of An Garda Siochana.

The high profile investigation has found clear evidence that the overwhelming majority of murdered gangsters were known to Gardai. “There is a pattern emerging here,” a Garda spokesman said. “Our advice to gangsters is to keep a low profile and try not to come to the attention of Gardai.”

“Our message to gangsters is that being known to Gardai could seriously damage their health. So don’t get caught, approach Gardai with caution, and, whatever you do, don’t be a grass. No one likes a grass,” the source continued.

Two days ago the special Garda investigation advised gangsters to use public transport to avoid being shot while sitting in parked cars. It is understood that the country’s gangsters are puzzled but pleased with the efforts of the Gardai on their behalf.

A Garda investigation into all gangster-related shootings has reached the conclusion that sitting in parked cars is potentially lethal for any gangster.

“We would advise all gangsters to get out of the vehicle as soon as they park,” a Garda spokesman said. “They are dicing with death otherwise.”

The six-month investigation by an elite Garda unit found that as many as 70 per cent of dead gangsters were shot in their cars. “Where possible gangsters should try to use public transport,” the spokesman said. “This would greatly increase their life expectancy.”

A spokesman for the country’s gangsters thanked the Gardai for their concern.