“I was waiting for the phone to ring, then I saw him on the tv playing golf. What’s that about?” a porn star demanded.

“This is cruel and misleading,” she added. “And it ain’t no way to treat a lady.”

Tiger Woods was probably not available for comment.

Golf has suffered a nose-dive in popularity since Tiger stepped back from the game following revelations about extra-marital affairs. “Golf needs Tiger… if Tiger needs milfs we can get milfs,” an unnamed source said.

“It may be that you will see milfs carrying the scorecards for the Masters at Augusta National in April. Nothing can be ruled out,” the source added.

Tiger’s situation has also impacted on golf here where courses say many members chose giving up golf to focus on infidelity as a new year’s resolution.

However, course owners are not unduly concerned. “The only chance our members have of getting their hole is on a golf course,” one owner said. “They’ll be back.”

Then there was the shocking news that the Celtic Tiger was caused by inappropriate alcoholism.

There was good news when the HSE announced that Ryanair would take over the running of the health service. Sadly, the deal fell through as the airline didn’t like dealing with “bloody invalids”.

NAMA was delightful for the usual suspects until they found that Pat Kenny had already squatted all the good properties.

Taoiseach Brian Cowen feared a very Mirish coup until he decided to bank on a tree stump to save the economy.

A suggestion from French President Nicolas Sarkozy that getting Enda Kenny to say no to Lisbon would guarantee the referendum’s success won cross-party support.

A report by food safety experts found food and packaging was completely interchangeable although the packaging tended to be more appetising.

In September the HSE said children with swine flu should be kept in sheds. It also launched WellBeing perfume to replace traditional health care. Sadly we were allergic to WellBeing.

Former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern announced he would step down from politics to focus on Mehole, his anti-social networking site.

The Dublin bikes scheme turned out to be flawed as obese cyclists abandoned the bikes when they came to a hill. Obesity was in the news again when it was linked to appalling injuries during sex.

Sources in Taoiseach Brian Cowen’s head announced that he was not drinking nearly enough. Meanwhile, the voices in Enda Kenny’s head escaped. Finally, Brian Cowen and British Prime Minister Gordon Brown sang a duet of Man in the Mirror to the voices in Mr Brown’s head.

It was a rollercoaster year for the Greens. There was euphoria when Trevor Sargent launched waterproof Jesus sandals so organic farmers could walk on water without getting wet feet. Dismay followed when it emerged our Carbon Arseprint was entirely responsible for global warming. And there was defiance when the entire Green Party leadership was arrested for urinating in their neighbours’ compost bins.

Few were surprised when performance evaluation monitors found that 37 per cent of public servants were “probably dead”. And no one was surprised that a third of new roads go nowhere while others are completely lost.

In perhaps the most sinister development of the recession the very existence of the lesser spotted rural drinker was threatened until UNESCO intervened.

Stephen Ireland refused the FAI’s reasonable request that he change his name. A churlish John Delaney turned down the opportunity to be Sepp Blatter’s official gimp and strongly denied trying to burn down the Guinness brewery because it is French-owned.

Green TD Paul Gogarty crossed a line when he used the word “sincerity” in Dail Eireann.

The wider community said it lived in fear of bored, bitter ex-bishops while the bishops said the Murphy report was quite innocuous when read with mental reservation.

Finally, sexperts everywhere fear that quitting golf could destroy Tiger’s “game”.

It was a pig’s mickey of a year, a twisted, crooked thing. The Mire looks forward to more of the same in 2010.

“Sexual athletes are not like other athletes,” one sexpert said. So much of their game is confidence. And it is the little things, like perhaps a round of golf, that help them to remain calm and confident during the sex act.

“I have always felt,” another sexpert said, “that a large part of what made Tiger such a great sexual athlete was the fact that he played golf. It is precisely because he drives straight down the middle of the fairway in golf that he gets to spend so much of his sex life in the rough.”

Although the sex industry is concerned that Tiger may never reach the heights of the past few years an industry analyst called for perspective. “We need to look at this calmly,” he said. “Tiger has quit golf. He didn’t say anything about giving up sex.”

At a hastily convened press conference attended by nobody, crap golfer Con Mahon admitted that he had often considered being unfaithful to his wife. “I tried a couple of times with the Lithuanian barmaid at the golf club but she got a barring order,” he said. “I am far short of perfect.”

“I have even tried to have sex with my wife, Attracta Mahon, in recent years but she also got a barring order,” he added.

Mr Mahon said suggestions he slept in the family car last Friday night because of a fight with his wife were “utterly false and malicious” as he routinely slept in the family car.

Mr Mahon then became angry and categorically denied that he cheated at golf or misbehaved on the golf course. “That is defamatory and a slur on my good name,” he said.

“If there is any consolation in all of this it is that I feel a great affinity with Tiger Woods,” he concluded.