“Everyone gets along now apart from the Greens,” a source said. “It’s as though we’re as one.”

“It’s great craic around the Cabinet table,” the source continued. “Nearly everyone can sing or tell a joke.”

“He’s not Minister for Everything. I’m still here. I’m STILL HERE,” Environment Minister John Gormley said.

Energy Minister Eamon Ryan has revealed a new technology that will tap into celebrities’ egos to fuel the national grid. “Ego fuel is an eco fuel,” he said. “This is completely carbon neutral. The only waste product is hot air.”

“This is a huge untapped resource,” Mr Ryan added. “We could soon be exporting energy around the globe. For example, it is estimated that less than one per cent of Bono’s ego fuel could satisfy China’s energy needs for a decade.”

Minister for Finance Brian Lenihan has agreed to ring-fence the artists’ exemption tax and broaden its terms to include any celebrity who is prepared to donate up to two per cent of their ego energy.

Mr Lenihan was full of praise for the Green Party initiative. “They are little Green geniuses,” he said. “They’re not much craic but we love them anyway.”

The BTA said the move was a step in the right direction but expressed disappointment that each TD and Senator will retain the services of a personal toilet attendant.

“There is no excuse any more for public representatives having personal toilet attendants,” a spokesman said. “The rest of us have to wipe ourselves and they will have to learn how to do it too.”

This morning, The Mire spoke to the toilet attendant of a well known TD who said most TDs were not ready to be fully toilet-trained. “Most of them have never wiped themselves,” he said. “About a third of them wouldn’t be able to reach and none of them could find their arses with both hands at the best of times.”

All public representatives will start bringing toilet roll to work from today, although, as a concession to the Greens, it is understood that some of them are to be allowed bring old newspapers instead.

Incredibly, Environment Minister and Green Party leader John Gormley, Energy Minister Eamon Ryan, Nice Fresh Food Minister Trevor Sargent and Senator Dan Boyle were all found to have entered their neighbours’ back gardens late last night to urinate in their compost bins.

“We caught them wet-handed but we are still trying to establish whether or not this is a crime,” a Garda source said.

It seems unlikely that the owners of the compost bins will want to see the Green leadership charged. “It was positively heroic, and great for accelerating the breakdown of compost,” one neighbour said.

However, The Mire has learned that Mr Gormley may have a more serious case to answer than his colleagues as his neighbours don’t have compost facilities. “It would appear that Mr Gormley somehow gained access to their house and urinated in their highly sophisticated kitchen sink waste disposal unit,” the Garda source said. “The owners are distraught.”

“How ridiculous,” Mr Gormley is understood to have commented. “Imagine living beside me and not having a compost bin.”

A leading political analyst told The Mire that the Green leadership was desperately trying to prove to its grassroots that it remains relevant and worthy of support. “This could swing it for them,” he said.

The completely waterproof Jesus Sandal is to be made available through Bord Bia at the extremely low price of €5 to mark National Organic Week.

“The waterproof Jesus Sandal is an essential tool for the organic gardener or farmer,” Mr Sargent said. “The Government is determined to make it easier for people to walk on water.”

“Mr Cowen is worried that the legislation introduced by Mr Ahern could effectively make it illegal to be leader of Fianna Fail or the Government,” an aide to Mr Cowen said. “He is wary of Mr Ahern’s motivation in bringing forward the legislation. This could be a very Irish coup.”

It is understood that the leaders of the Green, Labour, Fine Gael and Sinn Fein parties and their advisers are also monitoring developments. There have been unconfirmed reports that some party leaders are preparing to take flight before the Gardai come calling.

Under the legislation an actual crime does not have to be committed to invoke the commission of the offence. It allows for the criminalisation of controlling a criminal gang of three or more people. As such it is of no real concern to the Progressive Democrats.

The scheme will allow companies to receive payments of up to €200 per employee per week provided the companies were not in financial difficulties before July of last year.

The Mire has learned that senior management at all of Mireland’s major banks are keen to apply for the scheme although many would say they were in financial difficulties for several years. A government caveat – that the companies involved “must be judged to be sound, robust and have sustainable business models” – would also stand against them.