Senior HSE staff have been seeking cost-cutting measures that will have the least negative impact on the public. “We have realised that some of our work is actually pointless and we are trying to address that,” a source said.

“Alzheimer’s care is the perfect example. What is the point in spending good money treating people who don’t even know they are ill? This is a no-brainer,” he added.

The source said a committee of experts would draw up a list of patient groups who might not notice if their treatment ceased. “Alzheimer’s is a starting point but we believe there are many patient groups who are too ill to notice if we stop treating them.”

“If this doesn’t result in sufficient savings we have a back-up plan to prescribe gentle exercise and tranquil music to patients who present with expensive illnesses such as cancer,” he continued.

The HSE had also considered cutting staff salaries, benefits, bonuses or allowances to curb costs but decided that would be inappropriate and unfair.

Figures vary according to which department the dead employees work in with as many as 64 per cent probably dead in the health service while only 23 per cent appear to be dead in the Department of Arts, Sports and Tourism.

“Even if they are dead,” a trade union spokesman said, “they are working as hard as they can in appalling conditions.”

The highly sophisticated monitors were expected to give a clear indication of the percentage of time each public servant spends working and how hard they work during that time. It was hoped, all future public service pay would be based on monitored performance. However, the project has now been shelved.

“The monitors have crashed,” a source said. “Their hard drives have been erased by lethargy, inertia and listlessness. Work activity was detected on only one monitor but after investigation it transpired the employee was working on a nixer.”

Mr Lenihan ordered the review as part of his preparation for December’s budget. However, although a team of forensic accountants dedicated six months to the task they could not find any trace of benefit arising from the efforts of any state agency.

“We looked at Fas, we looked at the Health Service Executive, we looked at everything. If any good had come of any of these agencies we would have found it,” a spokesman said.

“The cost benefit analysis formula is useless if there is no benefit to measure cost against. This is clearly a flaw in the cost benefit analysis formula and does not reflect in any way on the work of this country’s dedicated state agencies,” a senior civil servant said.

Disaster has struck the Health Service Executive’s (HSE) ambitious plan to solve all the country’s health problems by spraying citizens with WellBeing, the new perfume created by Givenchy in association with the HSE.

WellBeing has turned out to be a huge liability that may yet sound the death knell for any form of health care. Initially well received, the perfume was fitted into sprayers in the doorways of all public buildings, buses and trains. Each time a door opened those passing through it were sprayed liberally with WellBeing before going on their merry way.

At first everything was rosy with confirmed sightings of people smiling in the most unlikely situations – such as when being made redundant or having to watch the twins on X Factor. In recent days, however, the entire nation has been afflicted by a mystery illness that has mental, emotional and physical symptoms.

“We are completely devastated,” a HSE spokesman said. “It appears that the nation suffered an allergic reaction to sustained well being. It simply doesn’t suit us as a people.”

The HSE also confirmed that it had to pay €1 billion for an antidote to WellBeing although all that entailed was switching off all WellBeing sprayers. “Once this was done people immediately recovered from WellBeing as our native misery reasserted itself,” the spokesman said.

The HSE launched WellBeing in early September after an earlier attempt to get Ryanair to take over the health service failed. Despite this latest setback the HSE remains determined to leave healthcare behind in order to focus all attention on the meaningless studies carried out by its Analytical Research and Scientific Evaluation (ARSE) section.

It is understood that neither this nor any other setback will have any negative impact on the bonus payments of senior HSE executives.

The country’s leading heroin dealers have offered their distribution networks for the swine flu vaccination programme in the event that the Health Service Executive (HSE) and the Irish Medical Organisation (IMO) fail to reach agreement on rolling out the vaccinations.

A HSE source acknowledged that contingency plans were in place in case GPs refuse to give the vaccinations but said the heroin distribution networks were a long shot.

“You have to admit these guys do a great job of getting the drugs out there. They are reaching into every nook and cranny in the country and from a logistics point of view you have to admire that. However, we’d be a bit wary of a public backlash if we worked with them,” he said.

The source said a meeting between the HSE and IMO had been positive and that other contingency plans might also be available if the IMO pull out of the programme. “Obviously, it is good to know the smack guys are there if we need them but we are optimistic that that won’t be the case,” he said.

“Eh…it’s up to them like…we can get any drug anywhere if they want us to…ya know what I mean bud,” a heroin dealer said.

In all over 40,000 operations have been cancelled since 2007 as many patients choose to die rather than face the lottery of being operated on by what one irate patient described as “arrogant, incompetent inbred idiots”.

“I know it sounds crazy,” the patient told The Mire, “but these are the same type of people as those who made me lose my house and my job. They are the scum of the earth. I’ve heard of people who went in to have an ingrown toenail removed and ended up getting their heads amputated but I’m not going out like that.”

Sadly that patient, who had a splinter, did go out like that, as he died a few hours later of septicemia. Our thoughts are with his family.

A spokesman for the Health Service Executive (HSE) said his death was regrettable.

The scheme, which launched last Sunday, to great fanfare is struggling to deal with the unforeseen problem which has resulted in many of the council’s 450 bikes being dumped at the approach to hilly areas around the city.

“We didn’t see this coming,” a council spokesman said. “I guess we didn’t really think they would use the bikes. And some of the inclines are very slight – you could hardly call them hills really. Anyway, sudden exertion like this is probably not good for them. They should just go for a donut and a latte instead.”

“The problem now is when our target market of non-obese people go to one of the city’s 40 bike stations there are no bikes there for them,” the spokesman added.

However, the HSE has criticised the “donut and latte” statement as extremely unhelpful. “These obese people should be encouraged to participate in any form of exercise. Suggesting they go for a donut is cruel and unkind and could lead to tensions in the community between slim Dubliners and their portly fellow citizens,” the statement said.

The HSE has invested heavily in the new scent which, true to its name, gives wearers a sense of well being.

“We know we cannot make people well and that if they come into our hospitals there is a good chance that we will make them sick,” a HSE spokesman said. “At least now we can give people a sense of well being.”

The perfume is to be rushed into production after limited trials in regional HSE offices showed positive results. “There were unconfirmed reports that some staff smiled,” the spokesman said.

WellBeing is to be fitted into sprayers in the doorways of all public buildings, buses and trains. Each time a door opens those passing through it will be sprayed liberally with Wellbeing before they go on their way.

Earlier this year the HSE conceded defeat with the much tried but not trusted model of making sick people well. “It was completely discredited. Neither patients, doctors nor nurses believed in it but it was costing billions,” a spokesman said.

In June the HSE announced that Ryanair would take over the entire health care system and fly patients for treatment in Spain. Less than a month later, however, Ryanair pulled out of the arrangement, saying it could not – and would not – tolerate all the disabled passengers.

If the perfume succeeds where the Ryanair venture failed the HSE will be able to focus all their attention on the meaningless studies carried out by their Analytical Research and Scientific Evaluation (ARSE) section.

Parents are advised that children with the virus should be isolated from their parents, their siblings and any pets. “If you have a shed or outbuilding place the child in there for at least a week. If not you could try using a cupboard or under stairs toilet,” a HSE spokesman said. “Under no circumstances should you come into physical contact with your child.”

Asked if this was not unusually cruel, the spokesman said there was an economic imperative to keep people working in these difficult times. “If an employed parent hugs a child and contracts swine flu the parent will then miss work. Mireland’s economy cannot afford huge absenteeism at the moment. Parents and children cannot be selfish about this. They must think of the greater good.”

The spokesman added that this guideline clearly did not apply to unemployed people who could continue to hug their children with abandon.

In what could prove a huge boost to the country, the nation’s greatest thinkers have designed to reconsider – and if necessary reimagine – all aspects of Mirish life to see if they can be presented in a better light.

Early reports to The Mire suggest that the bureaucrats could be on to something. “We are very excited about this,” a source said. “We are reimagining everything. We are now calling the M50 and the Red Cow roundabout state of the art traffic solutions. They are no longer allowed to have a negative connotation.”

“Unemployment is to be called employment. Unsolved crime is to be reassigned as not having taken place. Everything is up for grabs. We could even have the best Health service in the world all we have to do is say as much.”

However, the source admitted there were some limits to a reimagined Mireland. Reports in today’s newspapers suggesting that 300 kilometres of the country’s roads were to be redesignated as motorways were described as “completely implausible”.

“You can’t just call a road a motorway. The Mirish people aren’t completely stupid.”