The redundancy terms have yet to be decided but it is thought that they will be similar to those offered to HSE staff who, according to The Sunday Business Post, no longer worked for the HSE.

“Obviously this would reduce waiting lists, but a cash injection could also actually make patients feel better,” an analyst said.

“What about me piles?” a patient asked.

“We do not believe that legislation is the answer,” a government source said.

The source revealed that the Cabinet was keen on the “nuclear option” of HSE care. “There’s no coming back from that,” he said.

Other alternatives include bringing the internet into NAMA or treating it with disdain until it emigrates.

“They are all good options,” the source said.

“We were going to hack away at the bloated bureaucracy,” a spokesman said. “But NASA revealed that it is the only man-made structure in Ireland that is visible from space.”

“Fortunately we were able to introduce €750 million in cuts to frontline services instead,” he added.

“This is a proud moment,” the Minister for Health said. “Our bureaucracy is a beacon of light leading the country out of the gloom.”

A HSE spokesman said management was too busy to pay attention to the government.

“They can’t just stop playing solitaire every time a Minister makes a statement,” the spokesman said.

“Shh,” he added. “You’ll wake them.”

“It’s hard to believe but the HSE couldn’t do a worse job than the EU and ECB,” an expert said.

“This finding shatters everything we thought we knew about the world,” the expert added.

It had previously been understood that any situation could be made worse if it was left to the HSE.

The bouncers will not, however, prevent people from entering the A&E departments.

“They will walk around shouting: ‘Time now please. Have yiz no homes to go to?’” a HSE source said.

“We believe that the majority of patients in A&Es will leave immediately if they think they are in a closed pub,” the source explained reasonably.

The move, which some may consider controversial, is part of an attempt to tackle a possible €300 million deficit.

“Athough ill, a lot of patients are crying out for some activity and who doesn’t like to play doctors and nurses,” a HSE spokesman winked.

Health sector unions are studying the proposals. “It is my job to ensure that our members receive a decent split from the HSE,” a source said.

“People who are exposed even to second or third hand Bertie Ahern  develop high blood pressure and are at risk of cardiac arrest,” a HSE spokesman said.

“There is no known cure but banging your head repeatedly against a wall offers some relief.”

“Until we have a vaccine people should take evasive action,” the spokesman said. “Avoid all media and don’t open any kitchen cabinets.”

A HSE spokesman said they had anecdotal evidence that medical cards were being used for medicine and GP fees among other things.

“Some people with medical cards are clearly very unhealthy. It’s a cynical abuse of the system,” a HSE spokesman said.

“In the current financial circumstances we cannot rule out removing medical cards from people who get sick,” he added.

“It’s a huge problem. There’s a hiring freeze so we can’t take anyone else on to phone in sick for them,” a HSE official said.

Unions and management are meeting today in an attempt to resolve the issue.

“Management has to accept that phoning in sick will have to be outsourced. There is no other solution,” a union source said.