The Mire » John Waters

UN to ‘hold its breath till it turns blue’ if Waters elected President

Donal Conaty — Tue, 16 Aug 2011 08:53:40 +0000

The United Nations High Commission for Crying Out Loud has threatened to hold its breath until it turns blue if John Waters becomes president of Ireland.

“There’s only so much we can take,” a spokesman said.

“If you dare vote for him we’ll hold our breath until we turn blue, we mean it,” he added.

The High Commission for Crying Out Loud previously called for a halt to John Waters on humanitarian grounds but its appeal fell on deaf ears.

Pressure on wombs as Govt to create more jobs than there are people

Donal Conaty — Wed, 29 Sep 2010 08:33:40 +0000

Medical experts have expressed fears that the Government’s job creation strategy could put the nation’s wombs under unprecedented and unsustainable pressure.

Their concern follows the announcement that the IDA and Enterprise Ireland will create more jobs than there are people by 2015.

“This is a high risk strategy,” a midwife said. “Our wombs are already operating at capacity what with the recession and there being nothing good on the tele.”

“What about the fathers? Why doesn’t anyone care about the fathers?” Irish Times columnist John Waters would probably say.

UN Commission For Crying Out Loud calls for a halt to John Waters

Donal Conaty — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 08:58:50 +0000

The United Nations Commission For Crying Out Loud (UNCFCOL) has called for an immediate halt to John Waters.

The commission has asked the Government and all interested parties to ensure that Waters Eurosong entry is not selected for this year’s Eurovision song contest.

UNCFCOL said it would be a great humanitarian gesture if the government intervened on the matter.

“It is also in your interests,” a spokesman said. “All of Europe is ridiculing Greece now, you don’t want them ridiculing you again. Remember what it feels like.”

iPad Roleplay gives users full Charlie Bird experience

Donal Conaty — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 11:33:54 +0000

A little known feature of the new Apple iPad is the facility whereby users can set their unit to give them the virtual experiences of a celebrity of their choice.

The Mire can now reveal some of the models in iPad Roleplay that are proving popular here:

iSad allows users to get inside the head of Charlie Bird.

iDad gives users who want it the John Waters experience.

iHad is surprisingly popular as it gives users the sensations felt by Martin Cullen while he is being raped by the media.

iCad and iLad are two Tiger Woods roleplay models proving popular with golfers.

iMad, which offers the Iris Robinson experience, is also popular.

Finally, iFad lets users know what it feels like to be an iPad.

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