“We can find no evidence to suggest that Mary Harney showed any more interest in Celebrities Go Wild than she did in health for example,” an investigator said.

He added that it was, however, conceivable that the calls were made by various members of the then Cabinet during idle moments in Cabinet meetings.

“Those meetings go on and on, calling premium rate phone lines is a great way to break the monotony,” he said.

The investigation also found no evidence that Mr Healy-Rae had ever been a celebrity.

“Anti-suicide nets are very common,” a spokesman said. “Apple are even doing it in China.”

Meanwhile, a bidding war has broken out between publishing industry heavyweights for the international rights to the published accounts of politicians’ expenses. “This could be the biggest thing to happen in publishing since the bible,” an industry analyst said.

Early hopes that  proceeds from sales of the published accounts might go into the public purse have, however, been dashed. “We need every cent we can get,” a TD said.

There was further good news for impoverished TDs when a Revenue inspector confirmed the accounts will probably qualify for the artists’ exemption.

A spokesman for the Department of Finance was quick to pour scorn on the suggestion saying that the Cabinet had not considered the idea.

Fine Gael, Labour Fianna Fail and Green Party TDs were also quick to distance themselves from the suggestion. “What is he playing at? Is he trying to bring politics into repute? The public will never buy it,” one TD said.

However, seasoned observers of Leinster House said the issue was a storm in a tea cup. “It’s just talk,” one observer said. “There won’t be any real help for homeowners. No one is going to bring politics into repute.”

Taoiseach in waiting Enda Kenny has called on pretend Taoiseach Brian Cowen and real Taoiseach Brian Lenihan to ask President Mary McAleese to convene a Council of State to deal with the crisis.

One option is that Mary Harney be given the title in perpetuity irrespective of whether she runs for election. “We are also asking the President whether Mary Harney could be forced to be Minister for Health or face imprisonment,” a source said.

It is understood that the leaders of the three main parties are in complete agreement that the position of Minister for Health should be discontinued if Ms Harney cannot be persuaded to stay on in the role.

However, sources in the Green Party have suggested that Paul Gogarty TD has the attitude and language skills necessary for the job. “The way he said ‘Fuck you’ to Emmett Stagg in the Dail shows real promise. We could imagine him dealing with patients and their loved ones in a similar fashion,” a source said.

Vote for The Mire as Best Humour and Best Newcomer in the 2010 Irish Blog Awards.

“I have come to the conclusion that the Dail can no longer be justified,” he said. Mr Kenny pledged to hold a referendum within one year of taking office in order to implement Fine Gael’s ‘No Politics’ agenda.

Mr Kenny said the ‘No Politics’ agenda would soon eliminate the need for political parties like Fianna Fail and even Fine Gael. “They have outlived their function,” he said. “And so has the Dail.”

“I have spent my entire adult life here for no apparent reason. This cannot be allowed to happen to future generations,” he added. “After I have abolished all politics, I will walk out of Leinster House and disappear up my own arse for the last time,” he said.

Asked if he had surprised party colleagues with the radical ‘No Politics’ agenda, Mr Kenny said he sometimes surprised himself. “Sometimes I look in the mirror and say ‘who is that man?’” he said.