In what could be a defining moment in the Lisbon referendum’s destiny Taoiseach Brian Cowen has revealed that rolling dates will be set aside for future Lisbon Treaty referenda if we fail to vote in favour of Lisbon on October 2^nd.

“The Lisbon Treaty will not just go away you know,” the Taoiseach said. “We will continue to vote for it until it is passed. We may even squeeze in a referendum this side of Christmas and then another at Easter. It is imperative we don’t give the impression that we are turning our back on Lisbon.”

No campaigners fear that the prospect of never-ending Lisbon campaigning might persuade the public to vote yes just to be rid of the subject. “You know we could vote once a month if we get the e-voting machines up and running,” Mr Cowen said ominously.[poll id="2"]

Although Sinn Fein has campaigned against Lisbon on a number of issues such as lower wages, impact on family farms and less power in Europe, a source said the burning issue for Sinn Fein was increased military spending.

“That other stuff is only old guff,” a Sinn Fein source said. “Did you see the tank in the poster? It’s massive. You need proper weaponry to take on a yoke like that.”

A spokesman for Taoiseach Brian Cowen said he would welcome a Sinn Fein u-turn on Lisbon but that the missile issue was strictly a matter for the decommissioning commission.[poll id="3"]

Previously Mr Cowen expressed full confidence in former Fas director general Rody Molloy who kindly agreed to stop presiding over a waste of public money by accepting a €1 million “golden handshake to resign.

Mr Cowen has also in the past expressed confidence in the financial services regulator, the banking system and the passing of the first Lisbon referendum.

It is understood that Ms Coughlan was too upset to comment about the Taoiseach having full confidence in her. “She is heartbroken,” a source said. “Completely devastated.”

In an extraordinary encounter with the Fine Gael leader and Taoiseach in waiting Enda Kenny, The Mire has learned that the voices in Mr Kenny’s head were deeply traumatised by the experience but have managed to escape.

Incredibly, Mr Kenny pretended to be a voice in his own head during the interview which was conducted in the presence of two of Mr Kenny’s handlers…

Mire Man: Hello. Is anyone there?

Voice: Help.

Mire Man: Who is that?

Voice: It’s me, the voice in Enda Kenny’s head. Can you help me escape?

Mire Man: Why would you want to escape? You’re in the head of the Taoiseach in waiting. It must be amazing?

Voice: No. It’s awful. Like a supermarket just before it opens. Bright and bland and deathly quiet. It even has loyalty cards. Please get me out I can’t stand it.

Mire Man: What about the other voices? Don’t you always travel in groups?

Voice: They escaped into Lech Walesa’s head a few days ago. I’m on my own. Can I seek asylum in your head instead? Please. I’ll be good.

Mire Man: Well I suppose…

Voice (now in Mire Man’s head): Thank you so much. Wow. This is different, really squalid. Isn’t that illegal?

Mire Man: Quiet or you’re going back.

There followed a brief discussion between Mire Man and Enda Kenny’s handlers who were told that all voices had left Mr Kenny’s head. The handlers then conferred with Mr Kenny before saying The Mire could now interview another voice in Mr Kenny’s head. Mr Kenny sat, strangely grimacing, throughout the interview:

Mire Man: Hello.

New Voice: Hello. Can I just say that a Yes vote on Lisbon is imperative…

Mire Man: Is that a voice in Enda Kenny’s head?

New Voice: Of course. Now can I just say that it is vital to the national interest…

Mire Man: Just a second. Are you sure you are a voice in Enda Kenny’s head? You sound quite like him.

New Voice: Don’t be ridiculous. I am one of many unusual and original voices in my… sorry, I mean in his… head.

Voice in Mire Man’s head: He’s lying. The only voice in Enda Kenny’s head now is Enda Kenny’s voice. I should know I had to listen to it for long enough. It never shuts up.

New Voice: That is an outrageous assertion…

Voice in Mire Man’s head: Look at Enda Kenny. His lips are moving.

Mire Man: Mr Kenny is it possible that you are impersonating a voice in your head just because Taoiseach Brian Cowen has voices in his head?

At this point the interview ended abruptly when Mr Kenny’s handlers insisted he had to leave.

“We have to admit we are bitterly disappointed,” the sources, who refer to themselves as voices, said. “Between Nama and Lisbon and the economy this is a time of unprecedented crisis and it requires unprecedented drinking. Anything less is inexcusable and unpatriotic.”

“All he does is have a few pints with friends and family. To be honest he doesn’t seem to understand what is required here.”

Despite their best efforts, the sources said, Mr Cowen will not listen to the voices in his head. “Sure isn’t that why we’re talking to you,” they added.

Taoiseach Brian Cowen has had to rush to Rathkeale in an attempt to pacify the two ministers. Mr Lenihan insists that the appearance of Kathleen ni Houlihan is a call to patriotic action to support the Government in these dark times. “The pint of stout represents the need for us to bond as a community. We need sing songs in poorly lit pubs. If the Taoiseach leads us in song the country will get behind him. We can sing ourselves out of recession,” he said.

However, Mr Cowen has refused to break into song. Under pressure from Mr Ahern, who spent the entire summer in Rathkeale, Mr Cowen said he thought the outline on the stump was more likely to be of the Virgin Mary than of Kathleen ni Houlihan. But he urged people not to be divided on the issue. “Who is to say it is not both of them? We need all the help we can get. I don’t care if it is King Billy on the stump as long as it supports Nama and Lisbon.”

Cabinet colleagues of the two ministers have for some time expressed the fear that the immense pressure they are under to do their jobs has led them to resort to religious and patriotic fervour. In fact their colleagues now refer to the two ministers as God (Mr Ahern) and Country (Mr Lenihan).

The two senior ministers were sent to Rathkeale by the Taoiseach at the start of the summer to see if they could get the Virgin Mary to intervene on behalf of the economy. Mr Ahern took to the task with such zeal that he bonded with the stump and has refused to leave it for any reason.

After his uncomfortable experience on last Friday’s Late Late Show, Mr Cowen spent the night discussing the referendum with French President Nicolas Sarkozy. “Despite Ryan Tubridy’s extremely personal questioning of the Taoiseach on the Late Late neither man had any problem drinking,” a spokesman said.

Mr Sarkozy flew in to Mireland earlier on Friday evening to support the Taoiseach on the Late Late Show. He had intended to appear on the show with Mr Cowen but suffered a crippling attack of the debilitating shyness for which he is famous while waiting in the green room.

Happily, Mr Sarkozy recovered and was able to engage with the Taoiseach on the vexing issue of Lisbon. After several hours of discussion the two hit on what is now seen as the only hope of passing the referendum.

Mr Sarkozy immediately began to use his influence, calling key European leaders and asking them to support the plan. All but Britain’s Prime Minister Gordon Brown indicated broad support for the plan. Mr Brown was in a private meeting with Britain’s Got Talent runner-up Susan Boyle and could not be disturbed. It is understood that Mr Brown was devastated by the death of Michael Jackson and has turned to Ms Boyle for support.

The French President also managed to win the support of the European Central Bank (ECB) for the fledgling plan. ECB President Jean-Claude Trichet is a fellow Frenchman and he promised Mr Sarkozy to act immediately in support of the initiative.

“As a gesture to Mireland, and to show that the EU is serious about reinstating the Celtic Tiger interest rates will go up with immediate effect,” Mr Trichet told The Mire. “The Mirish people can now look forward to inflated food prices and mortgage payments as a sure sign that the boom is back.”

Asked what he thought of the plan Mr Trichet gave a Gallic shrug: “You Mirish are crazy,” he said.

Meanwhile, Mr Cowen was effusive in his praise for his French ally. “President Sarkozy, perhaps the most remarkable man of all time, may just have saved Mireland and the European Union,” he said.

Apparently Mr Sarkozy read online that opinion polls showed an eight point decline in those who would vote yes in the referendum and immediately contacted Mr Cowen. The Mire understands that Mr Sarkozy has cancelled all his engagements and is prepared to do anything that is required to help Mireland through this difficult time.

The fact that he is even prepared to appear on the first Late Late Show to be hosted by Ryan Tubridy is seen as a measure of his commitment as Mr Sarkozy is normally quite media shy.

This is not the first time that Mr Sarkozy has extended the hand of friendship to our beleaguered country. In June he offered to take over the running of Anglo Mirish Bank and to head NAMA. He also offered to travel to Limerick to talk to rival gangsters about changing their ways, to sort out issues with the M50 billing system and to tog out for the Dublin senior football team.

In fact it was Mr Sarkozy who first came up with the idea of persuading Enda Kenny to campaign for a No Vote in the referendum on the basis that this would surely result in an overwhelming victory for Yes campaigners. The idea won cross party support here but Mr Kenny, who was deeply offended, refused to compromise his principles.

A spokesman for the Taoiseach said “our country has not enjoyed such a warm relationship with France” since the year of the French in 1798.

Mr Sarkozy’s willingness to travel to Mireland at this time is not thought to be connected to reports that people in France want to kill him. French police have arrested 11 people over death threats to Mr Sarkozy but a spokesman for the French president said this was a side issue. “This is perfectly normal for Mr Sarkozy,” he said.

As revealed in The Mire last month Mr Kenny was not enthusiastic about the so called “Lisbon No Strategy” when it was put to him. The strategy is based on the widely held belief that the majority of Mirish people will instinctively do the opposite of anything Mr Kenny suggests. It was initially suggested by French President Nicolas Sarkozy and supported by most EU leaders. The strategy has received cross-party support in Mireland as the best way to ensure safe passage of the second Lisbon referendum.

According to party sources Mr Kenny has reacted very badly to the strategy and is by turns despondent and defiant. He has refused to co-operate with party colleagues and, our source revealed, is “saying No to everything except sugar in his tea”.

“To be honest August has been one long hissy fit,” the source said. “He won’t eat. He won’t sleep. It’s just one tantrum after another.”

Last weekend former Taoiseach Garret Fitzgerald broke ranks with the party he once led over its failure to support NAMA. Dr FitzGerald said that the failure of opposition parties to support NAMA could lead to intervention by the International Monetary Fund.

The Mire understands, however, that the majority of senior figures in Fine Gael are in complete agreement with Dr FitzGerald but they are concerned that if they break ranks with Mr Kenny on NAMA he will then refuse to campaign for a No Vote on Lisbon. “It’s a lose-lose situation,” the source said. “If NAMA fails we lose control of everything, if Lisbon fails we lose everything.”

The “Lisbon No strategy”, initially suggested by French President Sarkozy and supported by most EU leaders, has received cross-party support in Mireland as the best way to ensure safe passage of the second Lisbon referendum. The strategy is based on the widely held belief that the majority of the Mirish people will instinctively do the opposite of anything Mr Kenny suggests.

EU leaders have made it clear that Mireland will no longer be considered to be at the heart of Europe if it doesn’t say yes in the referendum. Some sources have suggested that even the African Union will not consider Mireland for membership. “That would be the last thing we need,” their spokesman said. “We are trying to move away from the image of banana republics.”

Two weeks ago, The Mire reported that the Government was to work closely with senior Fine Gael strategists to persuade Mr Kenny to embark on a maverick No campaign. The delicate matter of telling Mr Kenny about the plan was deferred until after his triumphant speech at the MacGill Summer School last night.

Apparently Mr Kenny didn’t receive the information well and it is not clear whether it will be possible to go ahead with the strategy. “He got quite upset, particularly when he realised that it was just him and not all of Fine Gael who would advocate a No vote,” a Fine Gael strategist said.

“He seems to be in a confused state. He just keeps straightening his tie and muttering: …’just me…on my own…why me?’”

“We are still hopeful that he will come round. We have argued the national interest and said his selflessness will stand to him in the next general election. If anyone will believe that he will,” the source added.

Suggestions that Taoiseach Brian Cowen would take Mr Kenny aside and ask him to adopt the strategy have been shelved for the moment: “That could be counter-productive,” the Fine Gael source said. “We’re not convinced the Taoiseach would be able to keep a straight face.”