The Mire » Mary Harney

No evidence links Harney to Healy-Rae phone calls

Donal Conaty — Wed, 29 Jun 2011 06:24:37 +0000

The Mire has found no evidence to link former health minister Mary Harney to €2,600 worth of phone calls from Leinster House to help Michael Healy-Rae win a celebrity television contest.

“We can find no evidence to suggest that Mary Harney showed any more interest in Celebrities Go Wild than she did in health for example,” an investigator said.

He added that it was, however, conceivable that the calls were made by various members of the then Cabinet during idle moments in Cabinet meetings.

“Those meetings go on and on, calling premium rate phone lines is a great way to break the monotony,” he said.

The investigation also found no evidence that Mr Healy-Rae had ever been a celebrity.

Astronomers have no evidence of total eclipse of Mary Harney

Donal Conaty — Fri, 07 Jan 2011 09:10:09 +0000

Astronomers and Birdwatchers are mystified as to the whereabouts of Health Minister Mary Harney.

“We have no evidence to suggest that there has been a total eclipse of the Harney,” an astronomer said.

Birdwatchers also said there were no sightings of the lesser spotted Harney.

“Ask Enda Kenny where she is, he disappears when things get awkward too,” an anonymous source suggested.

Low self-esteem causing anti-social behaviour by public representatives

Donal Conaty — Tue, 02 Nov 2010 08:43:34 +0000

Drunkenness, verbal abuse, physical assaults and the wrecking of the economy by elected representatives are external manifestations of inner turmoil caused by low self-esteem, a leading psychologist has said.

Yesterday’s paint assault on Health Minister Mary Harney by councillor Louise Minihan was preceded by incidents involving Green Party TD Paul Gogarty, Fine Gael TD PJ Sheehan and Taoiseach Brian Cowen.

“Theirs is a condition called SCS or Spoilt Child Syndrome,” the psychologist explained. “It will deteriorate further unless the public intervenes to make them feel wanted.”

“If you see any public representatives give them a big hug for the sake of the country,” he added.

Party leaders expected to find that they are all afraid of Mary Harney

Donal Conaty — Wed, 20 Oct 2010 08:38:35 +0000

A meeting of the leaders of the four main political parties this afternoon is expected to find that they are all afraid of Mary Harney.

The meeting is designed to see if the party leaders have anything in common apart from expenses and long holidays.

“Fear of Mary Harney is the most obvious common ground for them,” an analyst said.

“There is talk that they might find common ground on the economy but half of them aren’t interested in it at all,” he added.

Expenses Olympics medals unlikely despite O’Donoghue’s effort

Donal Conaty — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 09:25:05 +0000

The manager of the country’s Expenses Olympics team has said that we do not have a realistic prospect of being on the podium at the 2010 Expenses Olympics in Dubai despite the patriotic efforts of Rody Molloy, John O’Donoghue and countless others who continue to spend selflessly for their country.

“This country needs heroes,” Mr Tommy Flathulach said. “We need everyone to get out there and spend like journalists.” Mr Flathulach was speaking at the launch of the Expenses Olympics slogan: ‘Never take a cab, when you can take a helicopter’.

Asked what he thought of recent resignations over expenses, he described them as a worrying trend. “These have been very bad for morale. And what purpose have they served? Accountability? Responsibility? “Where is it all going to end?”

Mr Flathulach said people needed to take stock of how their UK counterparts were spending and raise their game accordingly. “The Expenses Olympics is a team competition,” he added. “We can’t rely on Mary Harney for ever.”