“The VHI should not be allowed to do this,” a member of the Cabinet said. “It is a form of bullying.”

“Politicians, developers in Nama and a few bankers are the only people who can afford health insurance,” the Minister said. “It is not fair to single us out for excessive charges.”

He insisted it was little comfort to him that he would be able to claim his health insurance on expenses. “There is a principle involved,” he said hilariously.

“We do not believe that legislation is the answer,” a government source said.

The source revealed that the Cabinet was keen on the “nuclear option” of HSE care. “There’s no coming back from that,” he said.

Other alternatives include bringing the internet into NAMA or treating it with disdain until it emigrates.

“They are all good options,” the source said.

The move, suggested by the Green Party in an effort to shore up its support,  will allow the sludge to flourish  in its natural habitat accompanied by toxic loans and toxic assets.

“If you’re toxic come into the parlour,” Taoiseach Brian Cowen sang.

According to informed sources, Mr Webber is creating a musical based on the collapse of the Irish economy. Casting will be carried out live on television and the public vote will decide who gets a part.

Auditions will be limited to those whose loans are about to be taken over by Nama.”The public vote will decide whether Nama will take over their loans and how much of a discount they will get,” a source said.

“This is a unique opportunity to popularise Nama and to give the Irish people a role in their own bankruptcy,” the source added.

It is understood that Johnny Ronan and Sean Fitzpatrick are early favourites to play villains in the performance. Government ministers and economic analysts will audition for bit parts as buffoons.

“Every time I pick up a newspaper I feel stupid, stupid, stupid,” one caller said.

“Brain Drain is a pernicious condition whereby the sufferer feels increasingly stupid at being taken advantage of by politicians, mortgage companies and … everyone really,” an expert on the condition said.

“I’m paying for Nama, paying for Anglo and now they’re putting up my mortgage payments,” the expert said. “I’m afraid I am suffering from Brain Drain myself.”

Predictably, the expert confirmed there is no known cure for Brain Drain for people who want to stay in the country. “Emigration is the only known cure,” he said.

Their candid interview reveals that bankers were so passionately in love with developers that they thought of the billions of euro they threw at them as confetti or rose petals.

“The property boom and bust was nothing in itself,” the banker said. “But it felt special because it was a product of our love, loyalty and affection.”

The two men, who held hands and gazed lovingly at each other throughout the interview, praised Nama for enabling them to talk about their love. “Nama made us look beyond the boardroom, and admit what was going on in the boudoir,” the developer said.

The couple then left, arm in arm, chased by a mob of angry homeless people waving their mortgage statements.

At ports and airports people gathered with their meagre belongings and faint hopes of a new life in a far away place.

“What if we win? We’re already broke,” the father of a young family said as he sobbed in front of his children.  “Everyone knows hosting the Eurovision is more expensive than Nama.”

“If the state had any compassion it would take us all into care or make us all watch Sex and the City 2,” he added. “Anything but this.”

“This is an appalling vista. The country must pull together in this difficult time,” a spokesman for Taoiseach Brian Cowen said.

“This is not some airy fairy Nama for the little people. This creates real, tangible, untaxable income for people,” a spokesman said.

“God bless the Government,” a former property developer said. “They should call an election today – they’d get in on a landslide.”

The spokesman said begging at churches would continue to be an offence unless it was a Fianna Fail church gate collection.

The economist warned that the open-ended guarantee of banks’ liabilities and the Nama bailout will leave the country in a worse situation than Greece by 2012.

However, a Finance department spokesman has reassured the public that there is nothing to worry about.

“This warning is based on rational and lucid analysis. It is a considered and thoughtful perspective. Clearly the public know that that is not how we do things around here,” the spokesman said.

Greek prime minister George Papandreou was understood to be seething when he discovered that the €1.3 billion bailout came in the form of a property transfer from NAMA.

“All of Europe knows this is worthless rubbish,” a Greek spokesman said. “Tell Taoiseach Brian Cowen you don’t kid a kidder.”

It is understood that the Greeks were particularly upset to find the deeds to the properties in a giant wooden horse outside their parliament buildings. “This is really taking the piss,” the spokesman said.