“Such a move would delay a second bailout until after Euro 2012 when there are camper vans to be hired, hotels and flights to be booked,” a Government source said.

“These people should surrender their green jerseys. They obviously have a testosterone deficiency,” he added. “Ole, ole, ole, ole, Ireland, Ireland.”

Coincidentally, scientists have found that too much testosterone causes bad decisions.

“Aristotle wept,” a spokesman for Greece said. “Have we not got enough problems?”

The Irish Government managed to lose a referendum last week and, analysts fear, the same outcome for Greece if Mr Kenny insists on helping them.

“It’s the sort of thing he’d do,” an analyst said. “Bless him.”

The Greek move was met with widespread revulsion and horror as European Central Bankers wept real money.

“A referendum? What did the Greeks ever do for democracy?” a banker demanded.

“Why can’t they be more like the Irish?” he wailed.

“We will unleash pestilence next,” one of them said.

“We think you will find our pestilence particularly offensive,” another laughed manically as they rode each other into the sunset.
 

It is thought the move, which some consider cynical, could save the health services billions of euros.

“The country is awash with dysfunctional care institutions which mistreat their patients,” a spokesman said.

“It is clearly more affordable to make it their duty to neglect their patients rather than to try and raise their standards,” he added. “It’s a no-brainer.”

“Over the years they have clearly established a right of way through the economy by trampling through it at will,” the expert said. “Only a constitutional referendum can revoke that right of way.”

The Council of State meeting today to examine emergency legislation on banking should instead call for an immediate referendum, he explained.

“An emergency barring order preventing Finance Minister Brian Lenihan from approaching the economy should be brought in until the referendum can be held,” he added.

In what could be a defining moment in the Lisbon referendum’s destiny Taoiseach Brian Cowen has revealed that rolling dates will be set aside for future Lisbon Treaty referenda if we fail to vote in favour of Lisbon on October 2^nd.

“The Lisbon Treaty will not just go away you know,” the Taoiseach said. “We will continue to vote for it until it is passed. We may even squeeze in a referendum this side of Christmas and then another at Easter. It is imperative we don’t give the impression that we are turning our back on Lisbon.”

No campaigners fear that the prospect of never-ending Lisbon campaigning might persuade the public to vote yes just to be rid of the subject. “You know we could vote once a month if we get the e-voting machines up and running,” Mr Cowen said ominously.[poll id="2"]

Apparently Mr Sarkozy read online that opinion polls showed an eight point decline in those who would vote yes in the referendum and immediately contacted Mr Cowen. The Mire understands that Mr Sarkozy has cancelled all his engagements and is prepared to do anything that is required to help Mireland through this difficult time.

The fact that he is even prepared to appear on the first Late Late Show to be hosted by Ryan Tubridy is seen as a measure of his commitment as Mr Sarkozy is normally quite media shy.

This is not the first time that Mr Sarkozy has extended the hand of friendship to our beleaguered country. In June he offered to take over the running of Anglo Mirish Bank and to head NAMA. He also offered to travel to Limerick to talk to rival gangsters about changing their ways, to sort out issues with the M50 billing system and to tog out for the Dublin senior football team.

In fact it was Mr Sarkozy who first came up with the idea of persuading Enda Kenny to campaign for a No Vote in the referendum on the basis that this would surely result in an overwhelming victory for Yes campaigners. The idea won cross party support here but Mr Kenny, who was deeply offended, refused to compromise his principles.

A spokesman for the Taoiseach said “our country has not enjoyed such a warm relationship with France” since the year of the French in 1798.

Mr Sarkozy’s willingness to travel to Mireland at this time is not thought to be connected to reports that people in France want to kill him. French police have arrested 11 people over death threats to Mr Sarkozy but a spokesman for the French president said this was a side issue. “This is perfectly normal for Mr Sarkozy,” he said.