It is understood that Mr Byrne, who has been offered the support of Fianna Fáil, will run if enough* people make enough of a fuss about him and his success is a foregone conclusion.

Mr Tubridy will run if no one makes a fuss (he hates fuss) and his election is a foregone conclusion.

It is still considered unlikely that Mr Kenny will run  but he might squat in Áras an Uachtaráin if someone leaves a door or window open.

Meanwhile, the Government is looking to double the President’s salary of €325,000 to make it more attractive to RTÉ presenters.

* Sources believe enough means everybody

“It was too much for us,” a researcher said. “We found that everyone in Ireland was obese apart from Ryan Tubridy.”

Asked if the project might resume at a later date, the researcher became immediately hostile.

“Leave me alone,” he cried. “Can’t you see I’m fat? Keep your paws off my Jaffa cakes.”

In a desperate bid to retain licence fee revenues RTE is to fully commit to the recession and promises bleak programme output. “We are in agreement with the Government that people need to be conscious of the hopelessness of our situation” a spokesman said.

“From New Year’s Day whenever you switch on RTE you will know you are broke and there is no hope,” he added.

The move follows favourable experiments which saw mostly crap toys on the Late Late Toy Show and which also saw Ryan Tubridy dress in mourning since he became host of the show.

“We’re going to take it to another level now,” the spokesman said. “Next year’s Toy Show will feature only second-hand or home-made toys and Miriam O’Callaghan will present Prime Time wearing a shawl once worn by Peig Sayers.”

After his uncomfortable experience on last Friday’s Late Late Show, Mr Cowen spent the night discussing the referendum with French President Nicolas Sarkozy. “Despite Ryan Tubridy’s extremely personal questioning of the Taoiseach on the Late Late neither man had any problem drinking,” a spokesman said.

Mr Sarkozy flew in to Mireland earlier on Friday evening to support the Taoiseach on the Late Late Show. He had intended to appear on the show with Mr Cowen but suffered a crippling attack of the debilitating shyness for which he is famous while waiting in the green room.

Happily, Mr Sarkozy recovered and was able to engage with the Taoiseach on the vexing issue of Lisbon. After several hours of discussion the two hit on what is now seen as the only hope of passing the referendum.

Mr Sarkozy immediately began to use his influence, calling key European leaders and asking them to support the plan. All but Britain’s Prime Minister Gordon Brown indicated broad support for the plan. Mr Brown was in a private meeting with Britain’s Got Talent runner-up Susan Boyle and could not be disturbed. It is understood that Mr Brown was devastated by the death of Michael Jackson and has turned to Ms Boyle for support.

The French President also managed to win the support of the European Central Bank (ECB) for the fledgling plan. ECB President Jean-Claude Trichet is a fellow Frenchman and he promised Mr Sarkozy to act immediately in support of the initiative.

“As a gesture to Mireland, and to show that the EU is serious about reinstating the Celtic Tiger interest rates will go up with immediate effect,” Mr Trichet told The Mire. “The Mirish people can now look forward to inflated food prices and mortgage payments as a sure sign that the boom is back.”

Asked what he thought of the plan Mr Trichet gave a Gallic shrug: “You Mirish are crazy,” he said.

Meanwhile, Mr Cowen was effusive in his praise for his French ally. “President Sarkozy, perhaps the most remarkable man of all time, may just have saved Mireland and the European Union,” he said.

Apparently Mr Sarkozy read online that opinion polls showed an eight point decline in those who would vote yes in the referendum and immediately contacted Mr Cowen. The Mire understands that Mr Sarkozy has cancelled all his engagements and is prepared to do anything that is required to help Mireland through this difficult time.

The fact that he is even prepared to appear on the first Late Late Show to be hosted by Ryan Tubridy is seen as a measure of his commitment as Mr Sarkozy is normally quite media shy.

This is not the first time that Mr Sarkozy has extended the hand of friendship to our beleaguered country. In June he offered to take over the running of Anglo Mirish Bank and to head NAMA. He also offered to travel to Limerick to talk to rival gangsters about changing their ways, to sort out issues with the M50 billing system and to tog out for the Dublin senior football team.

In fact it was Mr Sarkozy who first came up with the idea of persuading Enda Kenny to campaign for a No Vote in the referendum on the basis that this would surely result in an overwhelming victory for Yes campaigners. The idea won cross party support here but Mr Kenny, who was deeply offended, refused to compromise his principles.

A spokesman for the Taoiseach said “our country has not enjoyed such a warm relationship with France” since the year of the French in 1798.

Mr Sarkozy’s willingness to travel to Mireland at this time is not thought to be connected to reports that people in France want to kill him. French police have arrested 11 people over death threats to Mr Sarkozy but a spokesman for the French president said this was a side issue. “This is perfectly normal for Mr Sarkozy,” he said.