“We’re trying not to get ahead of ourselves but we really think we’ve cracked it,” a Government official said.

“It’s all thanks to Michael O’Leary and Ryanair,” he added. “Why didn’t we think of duct tape before?”

The official was incredulous when The Mire suggested that duct tape might not actually work on the euro zone’s broken economies.

“It’s duct tape stupid. Of course it will work,” he said.

Shortly afterwards the airline announced the closure of its base in Marseille prompting the concern that Mr O’ Leary really does hate Ryanair.

Passengers fear that their comfort – already minimal – will suffer if Mr O’Leary has a vendetta against his own airline.

It is not clear what is motivating Mr O’Leary but it is thought that he has been particularly miffed over not being shortlisted as one of Ireland’s Greatest people.

Passengers will pay a premium for the facility of being able to use the toilet without leaving their seats.

It is understood the toilets will use a flushing mechanism, described as “refreshing” by the airline.

“Children and lighter adults are advised to hold on to arm rests. Pregnant women should go before they board the plane,” a spokesman said.

In a move that may further anger IRFU officials, the Minister apparently plans sweeping changes to the game of rugby.

“He loves rugby,” a source said. “He just thinks it could be so much better and more popular if you could dribble or head the ball. And why have a set of goals but no goalkeeper? It could be such a beautiful game.”

In other news, it is also believed that the Energetic Minister plans to get Ryanair to raise their prices and introduce free meals and premium seats for passengers. “What can we say,” said the source, “the Minister is very energetic.”

“He is amazing,” the Tanaiste is believed to have told staff. “He can disappear up his own arse and reappear out of mine. I could watch him all day.”

Scientists have long been intrigued by O’Leary’s ability to disappear up his own arse and have speculated that he might be related to a black hole.

Asked if her improved relationship with O’Leary might lead to 300 jobs at Dublin airport the Tanaiste was dismissive. “Why is everyone always banging on about jobs?” she said. “Lighten up”

Then there was the shocking news that the Celtic Tiger was caused by inappropriate alcoholism.

There was good news when the HSE announced that Ryanair would take over the running of the health service. Sadly, the deal fell through as the airline didn’t like dealing with “bloody invalids”.

NAMA was delightful for the usual suspects until they found that Pat Kenny had already squatted all the good properties.

Taoiseach Brian Cowen feared a very Mirish coup until he decided to bank on a tree stump to save the economy.

A suggestion from French President Nicolas Sarkozy that getting Enda Kenny to say no to Lisbon would guarantee the referendum’s success won cross-party support.

A report by food safety experts found food and packaging was completely interchangeable although the packaging tended to be more appetising.

In September the HSE said children with swine flu should be kept in sheds. It also launched WellBeing perfume to replace traditional health care. Sadly we were allergic to WellBeing.

Former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern announced he would step down from politics to focus on Mehole, his anti-social networking site.

The Dublin bikes scheme turned out to be flawed as obese cyclists abandoned the bikes when they came to a hill. Obesity was in the news again when it was linked to appalling injuries during sex.

Sources in Taoiseach Brian Cowen’s head announced that he was not drinking nearly enough. Meanwhile, the voices in Enda Kenny’s head escaped. Finally, Brian Cowen and British Prime Minister Gordon Brown sang a duet of Man in the Mirror to the voices in Mr Brown’s head.

It was a rollercoaster year for the Greens. There was euphoria when Trevor Sargent launched waterproof Jesus sandals so organic farmers could walk on water without getting wet feet. Dismay followed when it emerged our Carbon Arseprint was entirely responsible for global warming. And there was defiance when the entire Green Party leadership was arrested for urinating in their neighbours’ compost bins.

Few were surprised when performance evaluation monitors found that 37 per cent of public servants were “probably dead”. And no one was surprised that a third of new roads go nowhere while others are completely lost.

In perhaps the most sinister development of the recession the very existence of the lesser spotted rural drinker was threatened until UNESCO intervened.

Stephen Ireland refused the FAI’s reasonable request that he change his name. A churlish John Delaney turned down the opportunity to be Sepp Blatter’s official gimp and strongly denied trying to burn down the Guinness brewery because it is French-owned.

Green TD Paul Gogarty crossed a line when he used the word “sincerity” in Dail Eireann.

The wider community said it lived in fear of bored, bitter ex-bishops while the bishops said the Murphy report was quite innocuous when read with mental reservation.

Finally, sexperts everywhere fear that quitting golf could destroy Tiger’s “game”.

It was a pig’s mickey of a year, a twisted, crooked thing. The Mire looks forward to more of the same in 2010.

Disaster has struck the Health Service Executive’s (HSE) ambitious plan to solve all the country’s health problems by spraying citizens with WellBeing, the new perfume created by Givenchy in association with the HSE.

WellBeing has turned out to be a huge liability that may yet sound the death knell for any form of health care. Initially well received, the perfume was fitted into sprayers in the doorways of all public buildings, buses and trains. Each time a door opened those passing through it were sprayed liberally with WellBeing before going on their merry way.

At first everything was rosy with confirmed sightings of people smiling in the most unlikely situations – such as when being made redundant or having to watch the twins on X Factor. In recent days, however, the entire nation has been afflicted by a mystery illness that has mental, emotional and physical symptoms.

“We are completely devastated,” a HSE spokesman said. “It appears that the nation suffered an allergic reaction to sustained well being. It simply doesn’t suit us as a people.”

The HSE also confirmed that it had to pay €1 billion for an antidote to WellBeing although all that entailed was switching off all WellBeing sprayers. “Once this was done people immediately recovered from WellBeing as our native misery reasserted itself,” the spokesman said.

The HSE launched WellBeing in early September after an earlier attempt to get Ryanair to take over the health service failed. Despite this latest setback the HSE remains determined to leave healthcare behind in order to focus all attention on the meaningless studies carried out by its Analytical Research and Scientific Evaluation (ARSE) section.

It is understood that neither this nor any other setback will have any negative impact on the bonus payments of senior HSE executives.

The HSE has invested heavily in the new scent which, true to its name, gives wearers a sense of well being.

“We know we cannot make people well and that if they come into our hospitals there is a good chance that we will make them sick,” a HSE spokesman said. “At least now we can give people a sense of well being.”

The perfume is to be rushed into production after limited trials in regional HSE offices showed positive results. “There were unconfirmed reports that some staff smiled,” the spokesman said.

WellBeing is to be fitted into sprayers in the doorways of all public buildings, buses and trains. Each time a door opens those passing through it will be sprayed liberally with Wellbeing before they go on their way.

Earlier this year the HSE conceded defeat with the much tried but not trusted model of making sick people well. “It was completely discredited. Neither patients, doctors nor nurses believed in it but it was costing billions,” a spokesman said.

In June the HSE announced that Ryanair would take over the entire health care system and fly patients for treatment in Spain. Less than a month later, however, Ryanair pulled out of the arrangement, saying it could not – and would not – tolerate all the disabled passengers.

If the perfume succeeds where the Ryanair venture failed the HSE will be able to focus all their attention on the meaningless studies carried out by their Analytical Research and Scientific Evaluation (ARSE) section.

This appeared to be a perfect arrangement for the beleaguered HSE as it enabled them to concentrate their efforts on meaningless studies instead of the dated notion of curing people.

The arrangement faltered when it became clear that many of Ryanair’s “Health” passengers were actually ill and required special treatment. “We just don’t understand these people,” a Ryanair source said. “They have endured years of neglect from the HSE. All we asked was a few more hours of neglect from us and they would have a chance of proper treatment.”

“They just wouldn’t listen. Some of them wouldn’t even get off their stretchers,” the source added. “Bloody invalids!”

A HSE spokesperson said this clearly made sense in the current economic climate. It also made sense in terms of how the HSE was repositioning itself. “This get sick people and make them well business is time consuming, expensive and, let’s face it, we weren’t very good at it. Instead we’re going to play to our strengths by continuing to analyse the health requirements of the Mirish population.”

“In order to do so we will retain a robust Analytical Research and Scientific Evaluation (ARSE) section. All non-essential health service employees such as nurses, doctors and surgeons will be let go as soon as Ryanair has put extra flights in place,” the spokesperson added.

A spokesman for Ryanair said all redundant HSE staff were welcome to apply to work as cabin crew on the new routes.