Dermot and I just managed to persuade Mr Kenny not to wear his ‘I own the Pope’ t-shirt to the meeting.

“But how will Merkel and Sarkozy know the Pope is my bitch?” he asked anxiously.

“They will know Taoiseach,” I said. “The whole world knows the Pope is your bitch.”

He brightened at that. “Soon they will all be my bitches,” he said.

President Sarkozy had been persuaded to consider a reduction but everything went wrong when he attempted to embrace the Taoiseach and faire la bise.

“Get him away from me,” Mr Kenny yelled, hiding behind Dermot.

It is, admittedly, slightly unusual for men to faire la bise but Mr Sarkozy was trying to improve relations with Mr Kenny.

We tried to explain this but Mr Kenny wouldn’t listen. He offered to give Mrs Sarkozy extra kisses instead which displeased the President. The French can be so temperamental.

This morning Mr Kenny has finally appreciated how important it is and he has been practicing by kissing Dermot. His kisses are awkward and lack affection. I fear Mr Sarkozy will not be impressed.

“France is prepared to fully support Ireland on the bailout and corporate tax,” a highly placed source said, “but a high price will have to be paid.”

The source revealed that Operation Remove Le Shit, a joint initiative by Irish and French intelligence units, was at a delicate stage. “If it is successful France will row in fully behind Ireland,” the source said.

Operation Remove Le Shit would see French President Nicolas Sarkozy ‘voluntarily’ resign and move to Ireland, where he would be offered a suitable position in public life. “He could be the next president,” the source said. “Although Enda is keen to make him Taoiseach.”

After his uncomfortable experience on last Friday’s Late Late Show, Mr Cowen spent the night discussing the referendum with French President Nicolas Sarkozy. “Despite Ryan Tubridy’s extremely personal questioning of the Taoiseach on the Late Late neither man had any problem drinking,” a spokesman said.

Mr Sarkozy flew in to Mireland earlier on Friday evening to support the Taoiseach on the Late Late Show. He had intended to appear on the show with Mr Cowen but suffered a crippling attack of the debilitating shyness for which he is famous while waiting in the green room.

Happily, Mr Sarkozy recovered and was able to engage with the Taoiseach on the vexing issue of Lisbon. After several hours of discussion the two hit on what is now seen as the only hope of passing the referendum.

Mr Sarkozy immediately began to use his influence, calling key European leaders and asking them to support the plan. All but Britain’s Prime Minister Gordon Brown indicated broad support for the plan. Mr Brown was in a private meeting with Britain’s Got Talent runner-up Susan Boyle and could not be disturbed. It is understood that Mr Brown was devastated by the death of Michael Jackson and has turned to Ms Boyle for support.

The French President also managed to win the support of the European Central Bank (ECB) for the fledgling plan. ECB President Jean-Claude Trichet is a fellow Frenchman and he promised Mr Sarkozy to act immediately in support of the initiative.

“As a gesture to Mireland, and to show that the EU is serious about reinstating the Celtic Tiger interest rates will go up with immediate effect,” Mr Trichet told The Mire. “The Mirish people can now look forward to inflated food prices and mortgage payments as a sure sign that the boom is back.”

Asked what he thought of the plan Mr Trichet gave a Gallic shrug: “You Mirish are crazy,” he said.

Meanwhile, Mr Cowen was effusive in his praise for his French ally. “President Sarkozy, perhaps the most remarkable man of all time, may just have saved Mireland and the European Union,” he said.

Apparently Mr Sarkozy read online that opinion polls showed an eight point decline in those who would vote yes in the referendum and immediately contacted Mr Cowen. The Mire understands that Mr Sarkozy has cancelled all his engagements and is prepared to do anything that is required to help Mireland through this difficult time.

The fact that he is even prepared to appear on the first Late Late Show to be hosted by Ryan Tubridy is seen as a measure of his commitment as Mr Sarkozy is normally quite media shy.

This is not the first time that Mr Sarkozy has extended the hand of friendship to our beleaguered country. In June he offered to take over the running of Anglo Mirish Bank and to head NAMA. He also offered to travel to Limerick to talk to rival gangsters about changing their ways, to sort out issues with the M50 billing system and to tog out for the Dublin senior football team.

In fact it was Mr Sarkozy who first came up with the idea of persuading Enda Kenny to campaign for a No Vote in the referendum on the basis that this would surely result in an overwhelming victory for Yes campaigners. The idea won cross party support here but Mr Kenny, who was deeply offended, refused to compromise his principles.

A spokesman for the Taoiseach said “our country has not enjoyed such a warm relationship with France” since the year of the French in 1798.

Mr Sarkozy’s willingness to travel to Mireland at this time is not thought to be connected to reports that people in France want to kill him. French police have arrested 11 people over death threats to Mr Sarkozy but a spokesman for the French president said this was a side issue. “This is perfectly normal for Mr Sarkozy,” he said.

As revealed in The Mire last month Mr Kenny was not enthusiastic about the so called “Lisbon No Strategy” when it was put to him. The strategy is based on the widely held belief that the majority of Mirish people will instinctively do the opposite of anything Mr Kenny suggests. It was initially suggested by French President Nicolas Sarkozy and supported by most EU leaders. The strategy has received cross-party support in Mireland as the best way to ensure safe passage of the second Lisbon referendum.

According to party sources Mr Kenny has reacted very badly to the strategy and is by turns despondent and defiant. He has refused to co-operate with party colleagues and, our source revealed, is “saying No to everything except sugar in his tea”.

“To be honest August has been one long hissy fit,” the source said. “He won’t eat. He won’t sleep. It’s just one tantrum after another.”

Last weekend former Taoiseach Garret Fitzgerald broke ranks with the party he once led over its failure to support NAMA. Dr FitzGerald said that the failure of opposition parties to support NAMA could lead to intervention by the International Monetary Fund.

The Mire understands, however, that the majority of senior figures in Fine Gael are in complete agreement with Dr FitzGerald but they are concerned that if they break ranks with Mr Kenny on NAMA he will then refuse to campaign for a No Vote on Lisbon. “It’s a lose-lose situation,” the source said. “If NAMA fails we lose control of everything, if Lisbon fails we lose everything.”

The “Lisbon No strategy”, initially suggested by French President Sarkozy and supported by most EU leaders, has received cross-party support in Mireland as the best way to ensure safe passage of the second Lisbon referendum. The strategy is based on the widely held belief that the majority of the Mirish people will instinctively do the opposite of anything Mr Kenny suggests.

EU leaders have made it clear that Mireland will no longer be considered to be at the heart of Europe if it doesn’t say yes in the referendum. Some sources have suggested that even the African Union will not consider Mireland for membership. “That would be the last thing we need,” their spokesman said. “We are trying to move away from the image of banana republics.”

Two weeks ago, The Mire reported that the Government was to work closely with senior Fine Gael strategists to persuade Mr Kenny to embark on a maverick No campaign. The delicate matter of telling Mr Kenny about the plan was deferred until after his triumphant speech at the MacGill Summer School last night.

Apparently Mr Kenny didn’t receive the information well and it is not clear whether it will be possible to go ahead with the strategy. “He got quite upset, particularly when he realised that it was just him and not all of Fine Gael who would advocate a No vote,” a Fine Gael strategist said.

“He seems to be in a confused state. He just keeps straightening his tie and muttering: …’just me…on my own…why me?’”

“We are still hopeful that he will come round. We have argued the national interest and said his selflessness will stand to him in the next general election. If anyone will believe that he will,” the source added.

Suggestions that Taoiseach Brian Cowen would take Mr Kenny aside and ask him to adopt the strategy have been shelved for the moment: “That could be counter-productive,” the Fine Gael source said. “We’re not convinced the Taoiseach would be able to keep a straight face.”

In a remarkeable series of generous gestures, Mr Sarkozy also said he would travel to Limerick to talk to rival gangsters about changing their ways. He will even sort out issues with the M50 and, at a push, he is prepared to tog out for Dublin in the Leinster SFC.

Mr Sarkozy said he would visit the country with German Chancellor Angela Merkel. “She will handle the practical stuff,” he said.

The two leaders will arrive at Government buildings today where Mr Sarkozy hopes to teach the Taoiseach a certain “je ne sais quoi”. Afterwards, the French President will travel around the country performing miracles with abandon.

However, when asked if there was anything he could do about the Fine Gael leader, Mr Enda Kenny, Mr Sarkozy just shrugged.