Then there was the shocking news that the Celtic Tiger was caused by inappropriate alcoholism.

There was good news when the HSE announced that Ryanair would take over the running of the health service. Sadly, the deal fell through as the airline didn’t like dealing with “bloody invalids”.

NAMA was delightful for the usual suspects until they found that Pat Kenny had already squatted all the good properties.

Taoiseach Brian Cowen feared a very Mirish coup until he decided to bank on a tree stump to save the economy.

A suggestion from French President Nicolas Sarkozy that getting Enda Kenny to say no to Lisbon would guarantee the referendum’s success won cross-party support.

A report by food safety experts found food and packaging was completely interchangeable although the packaging tended to be more appetising.

In September the HSE said children with swine flu should be kept in sheds. It also launched WellBeing perfume to replace traditional health care. Sadly we were allergic to WellBeing.

Former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern announced he would step down from politics to focus on Mehole, his anti-social networking site.

The Dublin bikes scheme turned out to be flawed as obese cyclists abandoned the bikes when they came to a hill. Obesity was in the news again when it was linked to appalling injuries during sex.

Sources in Taoiseach Brian Cowen’s head announced that he was not drinking nearly enough. Meanwhile, the voices in Enda Kenny’s head escaped. Finally, Brian Cowen and British Prime Minister Gordon Brown sang a duet of Man in the Mirror to the voices in Mr Brown’s head.

It was a rollercoaster year for the Greens. There was euphoria when Trevor Sargent launched waterproof Jesus sandals so organic farmers could walk on water without getting wet feet. Dismay followed when it emerged our Carbon Arseprint was entirely responsible for global warming. And there was defiance when the entire Green Party leadership was arrested for urinating in their neighbours’ compost bins.

Few were surprised when performance evaluation monitors found that 37 per cent of public servants were “probably dead”. And no one was surprised that a third of new roads go nowhere while others are completely lost.

In perhaps the most sinister development of the recession the very existence of the lesser spotted rural drinker was threatened until UNESCO intervened.

Stephen Ireland refused the FAI’s reasonable request that he change his name. A churlish John Delaney turned down the opportunity to be Sepp Blatter’s official gimp and strongly denied trying to burn down the Guinness brewery because it is French-owned.

Green TD Paul Gogarty crossed a line when he used the word “sincerity” in Dail Eireann.

The wider community said it lived in fear of bored, bitter ex-bishops while the bishops said the Murphy report was quite innocuous when read with mental reservation.

Finally, sexperts everywhere fear that quitting golf could destroy Tiger’s “game”.

It was a pig’s mickey of a year, a twisted, crooked thing. The Mire looks forward to more of the same in 2010.

The country’s leading heroin dealers have offered their distribution networks for the swine flu vaccination programme in the event that the Health Service Executive (HSE) and the Irish Medical Organisation (IMO) fail to reach agreement on rolling out the vaccinations.

A HSE source acknowledged that contingency plans were in place in case GPs refuse to give the vaccinations but said the heroin distribution networks were a long shot.

“You have to admit these guys do a great job of getting the drugs out there. They are reaching into every nook and cranny in the country and from a logistics point of view you have to admire that. However, we’d be a bit wary of a public backlash if we worked with them,” he said.

The source said a meeting between the HSE and IMO had been positive and that other contingency plans might also be available if the IMO pull out of the programme. “Obviously, it is good to know the smack guys are there if we need them but we are optimistic that that won’t be the case,” he said.

“Eh…it’s up to them like…we can get any drug anywhere if they want us to…ya know what I mean bud,” a heroin dealer said.

Parents are advised that children with the virus should be isolated from their parents, their siblings and any pets. “If you have a shed or outbuilding place the child in there for at least a week. If not you could try using a cupboard or under stairs toilet,” a HSE spokesman said. “Under no circumstances should you come into physical contact with your child.”

Asked if this was not unusually cruel, the spokesman said there was an economic imperative to keep people working in these difficult times. “If an employed parent hugs a child and contracts swine flu the parent will then miss work. Mireland’s economy cannot afford huge absenteeism at the moment. Parents and children cannot be selfish about this. They must think of the greater good.”

The spokesman added that this guideline clearly did not apply to unemployed people who could continue to hug their children with abandon.