The Mire » Tanaiste Mary Coughlan

Desperate for a laugh, public asks Mary Coughlan to run for President

Donal Conaty — Mon, 28 Feb 2011 08:40:40 +0000

Many ordinary Irish people this morning called for Tanaiste Mary Coughlan to continue to make her unique contribution to Irish public life by running for the Presidency.

“The country needs some light relief in these difficult times,” an expert in these matters said.

Ms Coughlan lost her seat in the Donegal South West constituency in last Friday’s general election and is taking time to consider her options.

The expert said Ms Coughlan could make nightly broadcasts to the nation to cheer us up. “This would be after the watershed of course. She could explain Charles Darwin’s Theory of Relativity or call for Tourette’s syndrome to be made compulsory.”

Besotted Coughlan loves watching O’Leary disappear up his own arse

Donal Conaty — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 09:06:26 +0000

Tanaiste Mary Coughlan has become completely besotted with Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary and has told staff to clear her diary so that she can spend more time with him.

“He is amazing,” the Tanaiste is believed to have told staff. “He can disappear up his own arse and reappear out of mine. I could watch him all day.”

Scientists have long been intrigued by O’Leary’s ability to disappear up his own arse and have speculated that he might be related to a black hole.

Asked if her improved relationship with O’Leary might lead to 300 jobs at Dublin airport the Tanaiste was dismissive. “Why is everyone always banging on about jobs?” she said. “Lighten up”

A third of new roads go nowhere, others are completely lost

Donal Conaty — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 08:04:26 +0000

Minister for Transport Noel Dempsey has called for urgent action after it emerged that up to a third of the roads built during the Celtic Tiger period are missing and a further third don’t appear to lead anywhere.

According to research carried out by officials in Mr Dempsey’s department some local authorities are unable to account for more than half of their roads.

“Those were heady days,” a source said. “We were building roads for fun. God knows where they ended up. Sure a bypass intended for Waterford turned up in the Tanaiste’s constituency in Donegal.”

Mr Dempsey said the figures were unacceptable. “What will we do when the EU finds out?” he asked. He called on anyone with information on the whereabouts of missing roads to contact the National Roads Authority (NRA).

An opposition spokesman said it was fitting that many roads led nowhere as “the Government doesn’t know where it is going either”.