Mr Cowen, who announced last night that he would not contest the general election, will travel to Áras an Uachtaráin this afternoon to ask President Mary McAleese to dissolve the Dáil.

Unfortunately this is just a technical term and neither the Dáil nor the Government will actually be dissolved.

“Cowen presided over the collapse of the economy, the banking crisis and many other instances of incompetence,” an analyst said.

“His record as an awful Taoiseach is beyond compare. However, all the early signs suggest that Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny could outdo him,” he added.

“The next Foreign Minister won’t have time to go out foreign before the election,” a source said. “Whoever the Taoiseach picks will have to be satisfied with Brittas.”

“They will get a ministerial car though so it’s not all bad,” he added.

An analyst said it would not be unusual to have a Foreign Minister with no interest in travel. “We’ve often had a Finance Minister with no interest in the economy,” he said.

“This is merely a precaution,” a Department of Health source said. “We do not believe their services will be required.”

Meanwhile, sources close to Mr Cowen would not reveal whether he intends to vote for himself in the confidence motion that will be put to the meeting.

“Given what Mr Cowen knows about Mr Cowen it is impossible to believe he could have confidence in him,” an analyst said.

The analyst said the fact Mr Cowen did not accept Minister for Foreign Affairs Micheál Martin’s resignation after he announced he would vote against him was “a clear indication that the Taoiseach does not want to discourage anyone who has no confidence in him from not having confidence in him.”

Motorways, casinos, hospitals and relocated government departments are among the many enticements available to the right candidate.

“After we lose the election the leader can stand down and the Ministers who don’t want to be associated with the defeat will hold a real leadership contest,” a source said.

“I’m only going in for a laugh,” one backbencher told The Mire. “Sure it was already offered to the cleaning lady in the Dáil canteen and she laughed him out of it.”

Fine Gael and Labour TDs were almost unanimous in saying Mr Cowen was the right man to lead Fianna Fáil into the general election, with the only exception being Enda Kenny who said Cowen should go immediately.

“Poor Enda hasn’t quite grasped it yet,” a Fine Gael source said.

Prospective leaders of Fianna Fáil were the only members of the party who supported Mr Cowen as leader.

“We appreciate that TDs have a sense of urgency about distancing themselves from the Taoiseach but they must take precautions before going to sea,” a spokesman said.

“Check the weather and tides, don’t go to sea if you have alcohol taken and don’t go to sea alone,” a spokesman warned.

The move follows the revelation in a book about Sean FitzPatrick that he played golf and had dinner with the Taoiseach in Druids Glen. Mr Cowen confirmed this but added that it was a social occasion.

“Why are we never invited to these things?” a Green Party source asked. “We keep hearing about them after they’ve happened.”

“I bet the Taoiseach was impersonating our ministers,” the source added. “It’s not fair.

The FitzPatrick Tapes by Sunday Times’ journalists Tom Lyons and Brian Carey did not reveal whether the Taoiseach performed songs or party tricks at Druids Glen.

People gathered around their widescreen TV screens at 7pm yesterday for the much heralded resignation speech only to hear Mr Cowen talk about the economy and the IMF EC bailout.

“It must have slipped his mind,” an aide explained.

Amnesty International sources noted that Mr Cowen was surrounded by members of the Cabinet and speculated that he may now be imprisoned in the role of Taoiseach.

“The Taoiseach should immediately be released from his role on humanitarian grounds,” an Amnesty source said.

In a rallying cry to the Irish people Mr Cowen called on them to play to their strengths.

“It is not too late to hide behind the couch,” he said.

“The IMF won’t hang around forever so pull the blinds, switch off the tele and hide,” he added.

Mr Cowen said he knew from his experience on the doorsteps that the Irish people would have no problem with this.

The economy was taken to an unknown location and is believed to be recovering from its ordeal.

Analysts believe it is unlikely that the Government or main opposition parties will notice that the economy is now controlled by the IMF. “They are, quite naturally, more concerned with the likely outcome of the X Factor,” a source said.

Apparently a major split has emerged in the Cabinet as to who should win the talent show with Finance Minister Brian Lenihan favouring Mary Byrne while Taoiseach Brian Cowen prefers boy band One Direction.

The Taoiseach’s enthusiasm for One Direction has led him to ask Cabinet members to come to work in Onesies like those worn by the band.  Batt O’Keeffe and Dick Roche are said to be particularly keen but others were cautious. “What if we need to do a number 2?” a source asked.