Speaking in Davos at the World Economic Forum, Mr Kenny revealed that behind his carefully constructed image as a bit of a gobshite he is actually a bit of a gobshite.

The revelation was devastating for the people of Ireland who have witnessed him being a bit of a gobshite for over 30 years.

“We would never have voted for that Enda Kenny fella  if we’d known he was that Enda Kenny fella,” everyone said.

“He’s a young man. He could be Taoiseach one day. We keep telling him the Presidency can wait,” an aide said.

However, Mr Varadkar is understood to remain keen to run for the Áras.

“It’s the red carpet and the deference. He loves the deference,” the aide explained.

He surprised me then by starting to sing: ‘Snowdrops and daffodils butterflies and bees…’

“I can sing, can’t I?” he said to me. “Yes,” I said. “Why?”

Dermot ignored my question. “I’ve never made bombs,” he said. “Do you think they’ll hold that against me?”

“Who are they?” I asked. “The people,” he said. “The people need a President. I suppose I could learn how to make bombs.”

“But you’ve only been a TD for a few months,” I said. “You’re advise the Taoiseach on the bailout. You can’t just drop everything to become President.”

“Being a TD is so boring,” he said. “My people need me. They don’t want an IRA poet or a frumpy sound of music reject wannabe nun.”

“I mean an IRA poet for crying out loud,” he said. “I bet McGuinness wears thick socks with Jesus sandals. Think of the shame.”

“Tinpan* Bertie told us our boom would get boomier,” a Chinese official said.

He added that there was some confusion over Mr Ahern’s insistence that no one needed bank accounts.

“It’s strange but we trust him. He does money magic,” the official said.

* A Taipan is a title given to a powerful foreign businessman in China, The Mire understands that a Tinpan may be a title nobody wants.

“I have been dogged by my association with Bertie Ahern,” Mr Ahern said reasonably. “It has destroyed my chance of becoming President. I thought we had a good relationship but Bertie was using me to hold on to power.”

“He didn’t just ruin the country, he ruined my life,” Mr Ahern sobbed.

Mr Ahern said there was still a slim chance he could become President.

“It could still happen if the public learn to differentiate between Bertie Ahern and Bertie Ahern,” he said. “That is what I have had to do.”

“Discussions are taking place but we’re not hopeful,” a source confirmed.

“Our diplomats are struggling to make Ireland appear attractive to Gaddafi, and finding it even more difficult to make Bertie appear attractive to Libya.”

“The government is prepared to part-fund Mr Ahern’s expenses in Libya as his running costs are obviously much higher,” the source added.

In his heyday, Mr Ahern was a successful surrealist magician who made an economy appear to appear and then disappear. Now, however, even his most loyal supporters just want him to diappear.

Dermot and I just managed to persuade Mr Kenny not to wear his ‘I own the Pope’ t-shirt to the meeting.

“But how will Merkel and Sarkozy know the Pope is my bitch?” he asked anxiously.

“They will know Taoiseach,” I said. “The whole world knows the Pope is your bitch.”

He brightened at that. “Soon they will all be my bitches,” he said.

It is thought the move, which some consider cynical, could save the health services billions of euros.

“The country is awash with dysfunctional care institutions which mistreat their patients,” a spokesman said.

“It is clearly more affordable to make it their duty to neglect their patients rather than to try and raise their standards,” he added. “It’s a no-brainer.”

President Sarkozy had been persuaded to consider a reduction but everything went wrong when he attempted to embrace the Taoiseach and faire la bise.

“Get him away from me,” Mr Kenny yelled, hiding behind Dermot.

It is, admittedly, slightly unusual for men to faire la bise but Mr Sarkozy was trying to improve relations with Mr Kenny.

We tried to explain this but Mr Kenny wouldn’t listen. He offered to give Mrs Sarkozy extra kisses instead which displeased the President. The French can be so temperamental.

This morning Mr Kenny has finally appreciated how important it is and he has been practicing by kissing Dermot. His kisses are awkward and lack affection. I fear Mr Sarkozy will not be impressed.

“France is prepared to fully support Ireland on the bailout and corporate tax,” a highly placed source said, “but a high price will have to be paid.”

The source revealed that Operation Remove Le Shit, a joint initiative by Irish and French intelligence units, was at a delicate stage. “If it is successful France will row in fully behind Ireland,” the source said.

Operation Remove Le Shit would see French President Nicolas Sarkozy ‘voluntarily’ resign and move to Ireland, where he would be offered a suitable position in public life. “He could be the next president,” the source said. “Although Enda is keen to make him Taoiseach.”