“The official gimp will have a seat of honour beside Mr Blatter at all FIFA functions,” a FIFA source said. “We may even consider using an image of the gimp as a logo for World Cup 2014 in Brazil.”

“The official gimp will also receive a clothing allowance and a very attractive collar and lead,” he added.

Mr Blatter said he made the offer humbly and in good faith. “He can be my gimp or he can be my bitch,” he said. “I don’t mind. I like gimps. I like bitches. Life is beautiful.”

It is understood FIFA believe this special award will end controversy over FIFA’s handling of the Thierry Henry handball incident which sent Ireland out of the World Cup.

The Mire has learned that Mr Cowell was so fascinated by the JEdward phenomenon that he wanted to see what sort of environment would breed such extraordinary creatures.

“Simon visited for a few days and he was amazed and hugely entertained,” his spokesman said. “He found day-to-day life compelling and said it would make great car crash tele.”

“Simon said you don’t really seem to mind that child rapist priests forgive and facilitate each other to rape again but you would go to war with France because Thierry Henry handled the ball in a football match,” the spokesman continued.

“At worst you might be forced to apologise for turning a blind eye to a paedophile ring. Half your country is under water. Your economy is bankrupt and the only people with job security go on strike to go shopping. To top it all the Virgin Mary keeps turning up on tree stumps and rain clouds – you know she probably just wants to watch.”

It is understood that Mr Cowell was so taken with events here that he sent a memo to Endemol suggesting that a reality show would actually need no spin and very little editing. “The message from Simon is simple: ‘Please don’t change’,” the spokesman said.

Taoiseach Brian Cowen said talks about the reality show were at an advanced stage. “We have to look at all and any revenue streams going forward,” he said. “If members of the Cabinet have to appear in the show, we are prepared to do so for the greater good.”

NASA’s Mars monitoring team reported signs of agitated animated activity there on Wednesday and a probe has since discovered clear signs of a social gathering on the red planet.

“This is so exciting,” a NASA source said. “We know from the detritus here that Martians are in fact quite similar to us in their social habits. They clearly like a drink and are fans of football.”

“We know this because the ground is littered with beer cans and there is a lot of graffitti describing Thierry Henry as a ‘low-down cheating garlic gobbling surrender monkey’.”