“We can’t get any other work done. Anybody identifiable as working in health services is being accosted by men seeking advice on how to become sex addicts,” a HSE source said.

“Things were bad after Tiger Woods but Ryan Giggs opened the floodgates,” the source added.

He insisted the HSE had no specific advice on how to become a sex addict. “It might help to get out of the house and meet people,” he suggested.

“That is completely outrageous,” a source sniffed, “Charlie is more than capable of satisfying them himself.”

Earlier, some commentators had suggested that Sheen had asked former sexpert Woods, who once shared Sheen’s enthusiasm for pornstars, to come out of retirement and help work through the backlog.

“This is ridiculous,” a golfer said. “We can’t play golf without golf holes.”

A source conceded that the absence of holes posed a problem for the Masters tournament. “It changes the game somewhat,” he said. “But we must remember that Tiger is at a delicate stage in his recovery from sex addiction.”

“We can’t risk a public relapse,” he added. “Tiger is at the edge – if he slips now we’re all screwed.”

“The simplest thing could trigger a relapse for Tiger,” a broadcaster said. “If he hears the word vagina in a weak moment things could get real ugly real fast.”

Woods has announced that he will return to golf in the Masters tournament in April after a five month break to fight sex addiction – an increasingly common disorder people suffer from when they get caught having affairs

It is thought that tournament organisers may even ban women from attending the Masters to reduce the risk of a relapse. Some slightly effeminate male golfers may also be asked to stay away.

“Obviously we want to help Tiger but we also have to bear in mind that this is a family event,” a source said. “No one wants to see him relapse in the middle of a golf course on live television.”

Owen last week claimed to have had sex with as many as 10 women but it is now believed he may have imagined the affairs during a drinking binge.

“We didn’t have sex with him,” women everywhere said. “It’s difficult enough to pretend you’re interested in Tiger Woods.”

After confessing to a string of affairs Owen went on to say he was also battling alcoholism.

“We think the two events are connected,” a source said. “He probably imagined the affairs while drunk and woke up thinking they really happened.”

The woman said she was washing dishes in her kitchen when Drogba scored. “The next thing I knew all these Chelsea players were giving me one without so much as a by your leave,” she said. “A minute later they were back playing football. I feel used.”

The woman’s feeling were echoed by the lectern that TigerWoods stood in front of when he appeared in public in Florida for 20 minutes on Friday without appearing to have sex.

The lectern has apparently retained a lawyer. “My client feels humiliated,” the lawyer said. “That was a shocking way to treat a lectern in public.”

In what many regard as the greatest challenge of his career to date Woods will demonstrate his new-found sexual restraint in front of representatives of the world’s media.

Women of all ages will be kept away from the event as a precaution, and former Defence Minister Willie O’Dea will also be asked to stay away.

The Mire understands that John Terry will be watching the broadcast with interest. “If Tiger can do it maybe John can too,” an England supporter said.

However, it is also understood that Ashley Cole is otherwise engaged.

Rumours that RTE correspondent Charlie Bird would attempt to report on the event without once referring to Charlie Bird have been dismissed as “highly unlikely” by the national broadcaster.

The married woman from the faithful county maintains that she has no recollection of having a sexual relationship with either man. “It’s not the sort of thing you’d forget, especially when you consider who I usually end up with,” she said.

However, the woman’s mother, accused her of being in denial. “She is a delusional fantasist,” she said. “She would say anything to get attention.”

“She needs to get a grip. You can’t go around telling lies about not having sex,” a spokesman for the catholic church said.

The Mire can now reveal some of the models in iPad Roleplay that are proving popular here:

iSad allows users to get inside the head of Charlie Bird.

iDad gives users who want it the John Waters experience.

iHad is surprisingly popular as it gives users the sensations felt by Martin Cullen while he is being raped by the media.

iCad and iLad are two Tiger Woods roleplay models proving popular with golfers.

iMad, which offers the Iris Robinson experience, is also popular.

Finally, iFad lets users know what it feels like to be an iPad.

Vote for The Mire as Best Humour and Best Newcomer in the 2010 Irish Blog Awards.

Golf has suffered a nose-dive in popularity since Tiger stepped back from the game following revelations about extra-marital affairs. “Golf needs Tiger… if Tiger needs milfs we can get milfs,” an unnamed source said.

“It may be that you will see milfs carrying the scorecards for the Masters at Augusta National in April. Nothing can be ruled out,” the source added.

Tiger’s situation has also impacted on golf here where courses say many members chose giving up golf to focus on infidelity as a new year’s resolution.

However, course owners are not unduly concerned. “The only chance our members have of getting their hole is on a golf course,” one owner said. “They’ll be back.”