Then there was the shocking news that the Celtic Tiger was caused by inappropriate alcoholism.

There was good news when the HSE announced that Ryanair would take over the running of the health service. Sadly, the deal fell through as the airline didn’t like dealing with “bloody invalids”.

NAMA was delightful for the usual suspects until they found that Pat Kenny had already squatted all the good properties.

Taoiseach Brian Cowen feared a very Mirish coup until he decided to bank on a tree stump to save the economy.

A suggestion from French President Nicolas Sarkozy that getting Enda Kenny to say no to Lisbon would guarantee the referendum’s success won cross-party support.

A report by food safety experts found food and packaging was completely interchangeable although the packaging tended to be more appetising.

In September the HSE said children with swine flu should be kept in sheds. It also launched WellBeing perfume to replace traditional health care. Sadly we were allergic to WellBeing.

Former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern announced he would step down from politics to focus on Mehole, his anti-social networking site.

The Dublin bikes scheme turned out to be flawed as obese cyclists abandoned the bikes when they came to a hill. Obesity was in the news again when it was linked to appalling injuries during sex.

Sources in Taoiseach Brian Cowen’s head announced that he was not drinking nearly enough. Meanwhile, the voices in Enda Kenny’s head escaped. Finally, Brian Cowen and British Prime Minister Gordon Brown sang a duet of Man in the Mirror to the voices in Mr Brown’s head.

It was a rollercoaster year for the Greens. There was euphoria when Trevor Sargent launched waterproof Jesus sandals so organic farmers could walk on water without getting wet feet. Dismay followed when it emerged our Carbon Arseprint was entirely responsible for global warming. And there was defiance when the entire Green Party leadership was arrested for urinating in their neighbours’ compost bins.

Few were surprised when performance evaluation monitors found that 37 per cent of public servants were “probably dead”. And no one was surprised that a third of new roads go nowhere while others are completely lost.

In perhaps the most sinister development of the recession the very existence of the lesser spotted rural drinker was threatened until UNESCO intervened.

Stephen Ireland refused the FAI’s reasonable request that he change his name. A churlish John Delaney turned down the opportunity to be Sepp Blatter’s official gimp and strongly denied trying to burn down the Guinness brewery because it is French-owned.

Green TD Paul Gogarty crossed a line when he used the word “sincerity” in Dail Eireann.

The wider community said it lived in fear of bored, bitter ex-bishops while the bishops said the Murphy report was quite innocuous when read with mental reservation.

Finally, sexperts everywhere fear that quitting golf could destroy Tiger’s “game”.

It was a pig’s mickey of a year, a twisted, crooked thing. The Mire looks forward to more of the same in 2010.

The Mire has learned that Mr Cowell was so fascinated by the JEdward phenomenon that he wanted to see what sort of environment would breed such extraordinary creatures.

“Simon visited for a few days and he was amazed and hugely entertained,” his spokesman said. “He found day-to-day life compelling and said it would make great car crash tele.”

“Simon said you don’t really seem to mind that child rapist priests forgive and facilitate each other to rape again but you would go to war with France because Thierry Henry handled the ball in a football match,” the spokesman continued.

“At worst you might be forced to apologise for turning a blind eye to a paedophile ring. Half your country is under water. Your economy is bankrupt and the only people with job security go on strike to go shopping. To top it all the Virgin Mary keeps turning up on tree stumps and rain clouds – you know she probably just wants to watch.”

It is understood that Mr Cowell was so taken with events here that he sent a memo to Endemol suggesting that a reality show would actually need no spin and very little editing. “The message from Simon is simple: ‘Please don’t change’,” the spokesman said.

Taoiseach Brian Cowen said talks about the reality show were at an advanced stage. “We have to look at all and any revenue streams going forward,” he said. “If members of the Cabinet have to appear in the show, we are prepared to do so for the greater good.”

Taoiseach Brian Cowen has had to rush to Rathkeale in an attempt to pacify the two ministers. Mr Lenihan insists that the appearance of Kathleen ni Houlihan is a call to patriotic action to support the Government in these dark times. “The pint of stout represents the need for us to bond as a community. We need sing songs in poorly lit pubs. If the Taoiseach leads us in song the country will get behind him. We can sing ourselves out of recession,” he said.

However, Mr Cowen has refused to break into song. Under pressure from Mr Ahern, who spent the entire summer in Rathkeale, Mr Cowen said he thought the outline on the stump was more likely to be of the Virgin Mary than of Kathleen ni Houlihan. But he urged people not to be divided on the issue. “Who is to say it is not both of them? We need all the help we can get. I don’t care if it is King Billy on the stump as long as it supports Nama and Lisbon.”

Cabinet colleagues of the two ministers have for some time expressed the fear that the immense pressure they are under to do their jobs has led them to resort to religious and patriotic fervour. In fact their colleagues now refer to the two ministers as God (Mr Ahern) and Country (Mr Lenihan).

The two senior ministers were sent to Rathkeale by the Taoiseach at the start of the summer to see if they could get the Virgin Mary to intervene on behalf of the economy. Mr Ahern took to the task with such zeal that he bonded with the stump and has refused to leave it for any reason.