An agm of the Newspapers Association (NA) came to the conclusion that it was impossible to be clear about the economy, the state of the nation, the national question or this evening’s World Cup qualifier. “As for the weather, it is in the lap of the gods,” a source said.

The source insisted that the decision was fully in keeping with the high standards the NA always maintained. “This decision reflects the uncertainty of our times and is no reflection on the accuracy of our news stories, some of which we even write ourselves,” he said.

The Mire has seen a copy of a letter from the FAI’s Chief Executive John Delaney to the Manchester City star in which Mr Delaney accepts that the footballer does not wish to play for his country.

“We fully respect your decision,” the letter says. “However, we feel it will help bring closure to this issue if you take the small step of changing your surname to reflect the situation properly.

“If it is of any help, we held an office poll and the following names were suggested: Cromwell, Denning, Thatcher and Shipman. Obviously the choice is ultimately yours.”

Mr Ireland was not available for comment. “What are they on?” his spokesman said.